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Friday, September 24, 2010

A Potpourri of funnies . . .


One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."


While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the earth round.

Golf and Whisky...

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?'

'He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, tae.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today.'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old Scotsman want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

South Dakota

A group of South Dakota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters, Curt, returned alone, staggering under the weight of an five by five buck.

"Where's Bob?" the others asked.

"Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bob!"


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


An Oklahoma State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

A Norwegian’s Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage

At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. Recently, the Pastor asked Ole - who was approaching his 50th Wedding Anniversary - to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

'Vell,' Ole replied to the assembled husbands, 'I've tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all I took her to Norvay for da 20th Anniversary!'

The Pastor responded, "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your for your 50th Anniversary."

Ole proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go back to Norvay and get her."

The Good Old Days

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their their kind of humor?

Not a single swear word in their comic routines:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home."

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q : What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A : Facing Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

A Poem

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

How To Ask for a Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!

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