Wednesday, April 28, 2010
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
A tool used to make hoses too short.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats , not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humani tarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?
I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES, THEN
PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES, AND THE GERMANS, GERMS.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, ' Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do... And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked..
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said ' and your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
In a nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.
But it's a wheelchair!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!
I said to myself, aloud “This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black, Jewish and disabled.”
“It's the pure and holy truth,” whispers someone from behind me. I turn around and it's my boyfriend.
Just what I needed! I am a homosexual and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God .... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, a and HIV-positive!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair and Oh, Noooooo ... I'm bald!
The telephone rings.
It's my brother. He is saying, “Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap ... any job.”
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, positive, bald and an orphan.
But he doesn't get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.
I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker ..... pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, “Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heart throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to see Obama?”
Say it isn't so! I can handle being a black, disabled, one-armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, Oh, Dear GOD, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!
What’s the Difference Between Catsup and Ketchup?
By Roxanne Webber
Just put it on your fries and don’t worry about it
There is no difference between catsup, ketchup, and catchup; those words are all commonly used to describe the tomato-based condiment. Technically, the words can apply to any sauce made from “the juice of mushrooms, walnuts, tomatoes, etc., and used as a condiment,” and they are usually qualified with the main ingredient (e.g., Heinz Tomato Ketchup), says the Oxford English Dictionary.
The New Food Lover’s Companion notes that the origin of the words (and the sauce) is ke-tsiap, a fish-based condiment that was popular in 17th-century China. According to Tracey Parsons, a spokesperson for Heinz, British sailors discovered ke-tsiap in the 18th century and brought it back to England, where people began tinkering with it. The early recipes published in 18th-century Great Britain called for “kidney beans, mushrooms, anchovies, and walnuts,” writes Andrew F. Smith in Pure Ketchup. Then the condiment spread to the American Colonies, where, Food Lover’s notes, tomatoes were added in the late 1700s.
The OED cites catchup as the oldest of the three variations, with the first citation appearing in 1690. Ketchup comes next, in 1711, and finally catsup appears in 1730. Parsons says that Heinz originally went with catsup, but the spelling was changed to ketchup in the late 1880s as a way to stand out from the competition, which was using the catsup variation. Now ketchup is the most commonly accepted spelling in the industry.
...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...
They add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount you had to pay full price.
Now you get discounts on everything like..
Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... But it's OK
Because other people forgot
They even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Is now 15 and you have a better chance
Of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~Your husband is counting on you
To remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do,
You no longer care to do,
But you really do care that you
Don't care to do them anymore.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair
With the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married ..
Now you say, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked
With just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...
Were unheard of, and a mouse was something
That made you climb on a table.
~Now that you can afford
Expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband has a night out with the guys
But he's home by 9:00 P.M. ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW?
When we get piled
upon one another in large cities, as in Europe,
we shall become as corrupt as Europe .
The democracy will cease to exist
when you take away from those
who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
It is incumbent on every
generation to pay its own debts as it goes.
A principle which if acted on would save
one-half the wars of the world.
I predict future happiness for
Americans if they can prevent the government
from wasting the labors of the people under the
pretense of taking care of them.
My reading of history convinces me
that most bad government results from too much
No free man shall ever be debarred
the use of arms.
The strongest reason for the
people to retain the right to keep and bear arms
is, as a last resort, to protect themselves
against tyranny in government.
The tree of liberty must be
refreshed from time to time with the blood of
patriots and tyrants.
To compel a man to subsidize with
his taxes the propagation of ideas which he
disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
'I believe that
banking institutions are more dangerous to
our liberties than standing armies.
If the American people ever allow
private banks to control the issue of their
currency, first by inflation, then by
deflation, the banks and corporations that will
grow up around the banks will deprive the people
of all property - until their children
wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers
The mouse turned to the cow and said,