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Monday, July 11, 2011

Telephone Poles

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone

pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys

and a team of two Irish guys.. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's

what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day.

The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."


Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys,

came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it

was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.


Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they

were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys

install?"


Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."


The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"


"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the

ground."

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Sunday Evening

Our Kiwanis Club held its second annual "garage sale" yesterday; actually, the sale is on a parking lot adjacent to a heavily traveled street. A local guy donates a storage van and folks are invited to bring in the trash/treasure to be sold, profits going to the Kiwanis General Fund. I signed up for the early shift, 6:30am to 9am, so did Evelyn, but she stayed all morning, not leaving till noon. I left early because I had a meeting with a client and my sales manager. Last I heard, we made about $1,000, perhaps more.

At one point, Kevin Camperell, a local CPA and fellow Kiwanian, was chatting with two Mexican lady shoppers. "See that grey haired fella sitting over there, with the sun glasses? $2." Without batting an eye, the Mexican lady said, "$1." So I had my value set.

However, later in the morning two other Mexican ladies came by and I pointed to myself, saying, "Soy muy baratto . . Cinco dollares!" (I'm a very good bargain, Five dollars). She laughed and said, "I would pay $10." So I multiplied my value 10-fold in the space of a couple hours.

When I got back about 3pm from my client meeting, Evelyn was sound asleep. She slept for about two hours, completely exhausted from the long morning in the hot sun. I learned later she had bought the white easy chair I had been sitting in (for $30. A steal!) . . . but today I found about four or five boxes full of things she just couldn't resist. I told her when we hold the garage sale next year I was going to prohibit her from attending.

Today we went to a Collectibles Show at the Center for the Arts. Not something that really excites me, just went out of curiousity and a possible story for the paper. The only thing I found of interest was a rawhide bullwhip. I fingered it gently and looked at Evelyn and said . . ."Hmm, I just may have a use for this . . ." She glared at me and I put the whip down. Besides, they wanted $30. $15, maybe I would have bought it. For disciplinary reasons, you understand.

Taking Trixie for a walk this morning on the front lawn and looked down to see a tail and some innards from some type of animal. At first I thought the tail was that of a large rat . . but I think now it was more likely an opposum. I'm thinking an owl swooped down and got it . . . but owls, I believe, tend to swallow their prey whole. I've seen them on video swallowing a whole rabbit and a whole opposum.
This animal had been torn apart and eaten . . . something I would think more likely of a hawk or eagle, both of which we have around here.

We thought the owls had left. Evelyn used to hear them screech every evening as soon as it got dark. She'd notice them when she'd walk Trixie. Lately, she has not heard them screech so we figured they had moved on. I haven't checked the pile of owl poop at the base of their house so don't know if it's gotten larger or stayed the same. Given this mornings discovery, perhaps they are still here.

I was taking Trixie for a walk tonight and Evelyn came down the street, returning from shopping at Costco, and turned the corner toward our home. Trixie recognizes her car and the second she saw mommy coming home she belted off after the car to see her mommy. That little pup pulls me like a sled dog. I'm 235 lbs, she's, perhaps, 15 . . . but she can pull me along to where I have to run to keep up with her . . . then I start laughing at what must be a comical sight to the neighbors . . . this little bitty dog pulling this somewhat beefy man in the direction of a dark blue Hyundai . . . with the man laughing. The more I pictured this image, the harder I laughed.

Then, of course, the minute Trixie reaches mommy she sniffs her once or twice and then goes exploring again.

She is smart, that Trixie. She can spell. It's gotten so when I ask Evelyn if we should take "her for a R-I-D-E," she jumps up and twirls round and round; we ain't fooling her. And Heaven help me if I dare say, before Ms. Evelyn is ready, "does Trixie wanna go for a CAR RIDE?" . . . Again, she goes nuts. And Evelyn glares at me cause she hasn't put her face on or combed her hair or changed her shoes. I have learned to keep mum until I know mommy is ready to go, for sure. We just can't get the pup too excited.

Once in the car she settles down on my left thigh and looks out the window, the perfect little lady. She absolutely loves to go for car rides. It's getting so bad I start to feel guilty every time I leave the house and we have to leave her home.

I think Trixie has mommy and daddy trained pretty well.

More tomorrow, perhaps. For now, nighty-night.

lyle

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Take the Test!

The fact that so few people pass this test is a pure example of how bad our education system is regarding important things. We assume we know a lot about government, but when it comes to pin-pointing what the items are, we slip. I know - its been a long time since some of us studied government.

It takes 70% to pass. The average is 55%. I got 81.82%

Try it yourself: Good luck.


http://www.isi.org/quiz.aspx?q=FE5C3B47-9675-41E0-9CF3-072BB31E2692

How the Internet Really Began . . .

> How the Internet Really Began
>
>
> In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
> And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
> Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
>
> And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said,
> "How, dear?"
>
> And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
>
> Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
>
> To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
>
> But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.
>
> And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
>
> And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
>
> Lo, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." “YAHOO!," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
>
> Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
>
> And that is how it all began. Honest to God!
>
> =

The Green Bay Packers . .

After the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins.
forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

Question: Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?

Ole and Lena and Lars

Ole, Lena, and Lars
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena , "I don't want to go dat fast, I tink I'll youst take da bus."
***
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had sued for non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife 400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge" said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

�
***
A waitress asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained the waitress.

***
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

***
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No."

***
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. You just say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale'."

***
"Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"
After Sven replied, "I don't know,"
Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

***
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars..
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

***
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

***
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn' Valter."

***
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka , Minnesota .
The policeman, who was good friend of Ole', said, "Ole What in the worlld are you doing? Where are your clothes? You'e naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'swinger' Sven's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!" So vee all go into the bedroom den he yells, Everybody git nakked!' Vel, vee all got undressed Den he yells, Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here."

***
Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleyes. He had two buckets of fish.
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into der buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!"
"What fish?"

***
To those in North Dakota , Minnesota , and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada , I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE......BIN LOGGIN'!"

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Luke Air Force Base . . .

True Story..... confirmed by snopes.com, with some additional background . . . go here:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/wakeup.asp



> Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were... A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back. Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall.
>
> When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must have stung quite a bit.
>
> The complaint:
> 'Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base:
>
> Whom do we thank for the morning air show? Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 A.M, a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune! Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns early bird special?
>
> Any response would be appreciated.
>
> The response:
>
> Regarding A wake-up call from Luke's jets' On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four- ship fly by of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques. Capt Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.
>
> At 9 a. m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend. Based on the letter writer's recount of the fly by, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured..
>
> A four-ship fly by is a display of respect the Air Force gives to those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.
>
> The letter writer asks, "To whom do we thank for the morning air show'? The 56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.
>
> Lt. Col. Grant L. Rosensteel, Jr.

Another Drunken Pilot?

Video of a stunt pilot who, in real life, is a Delta Airlines pilot.

His act at air shows is to pretend that he is a drunken spectator who rushes from
the stands and jumps into a Piper Cub and takes off without any
understanding of how to fly a plane.

The Piper Cub is actually specifically built to withstand an enormous
amount of stress and has a very powerful engine. This type of stunt
is actually the most dangerous of air show acts, because of the low
altitude at which the pilot performs. Obviously, this pilot
possesses unbelievable skill.

Check out the landing at the end - that is special!






video

All you need to know about Government Bureaucracy

** Lord's prayer: ...........................................................66 words.

** Archimedes' Principle: ..............................................67 words.

** 10 Commandments: ...............................................179 words.

** Gettysburg address: ......................... .......................286 words.

** Declaration of Independence : .............................1,300 words.

** US Constitution with 27 Amendments : ................ 7,818 words.

** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: .. 26,911 words.

Leaving Home . . .

video

The Jackass Games

video

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Best Feeling Ever . . .

I think this marriage is in trouble.

video

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Golf Ball and the Sand Wedge

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'

UPS Man

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.

"The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name came up seven times."

Spectacular Video!

M-1 Rifle River Dance

Received this from a good friend who is a retired Marine Major.

This is "RiverDance" with boots and rifles! I can't remember ever
seeing a display of precision to beat this! All the precision drill is
being performed on ICE!

Those are US made Garand M-1 rifles (WWII), and they are heavy
weapons (9 POUNDS EACH).

When that one fellow goes on his own - YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A RIFLE
SPUN THAT FAST!

http://sorisomail.com/email/16993/exibicao-de-banda-militar--um-espectaculo-imperdivel.html

Note: The band is the Royal Norwegian Guard . . . (we Norwegians are pretty doggone good, aren't we?!)

Monday, June 13, 2011

"Little Richard" as a child . . .

This is amazing to see. It's Richard Wayne Penniman (aka Little
Richard) about fifteen years before "Rip it Up", "Tutti Frutti", etc.
If you're familiar with the early period Beatles, you'll know that
McCartney was heavily influenced by Little Richard. A-whop bop-a-lu bop
a-whop bam boom Here is some very rare footage of "Little Richard" as
a child, when he was just starting out in the music biz' from
some movie with Van Johnson.





http://www.wimp.com/oldschool/

This is Waterboarding . . .

> This is graphic (PG) and explains the
>
> process of “Waterboarding” in light of “torture”. Everyone can
>
> understand this demonstration.
>
>
> Defenders say: There is no permanent damage done but the response
>
> is immediate. It is a much more humane and effective way to obtain critical intelligence quickly without brutalizing
>
> the prisoner. It sure beats electrocution, ripping off finger
>
> nails, acid showers, whippings/beatings, cutting off limbs, removing eyes
>
> & tongues, drilling out teeth, dislocatingshoulders, burning and
>
> other ways the Muslims use.
>
> Journalist Mike Guy underwent waterboarding
>
> by a trained member of the U.S. military in the site's
>
> new Lab Rat feature. Guy bet that
>
> he could endure 15 seconds of the interrogation technique
>
> used by the Bush administration on al Qaeda chief Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
>
> and Abu Zubaydah..
>
> Watch
>
> the results: http://content1.clipmarks.com/content/7E8ADC46-F3DD-4D6F-B184-3A07CF501B7C
>
>
>
>
>
>

Making a Baby . . .

Making a Baby....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

The Golf Ball and the Sand Wedge

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'

Drunk Driving in Singapore

Here's a different perspective to "DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE."

Singapore Punishment for drunk driving, 1st offence Wow! This hurt just to watch it, brutal, but I'll tell you it's more effective than a
$500 fine with probation. Nine lashes with a rattan cane for drunk driving first offense!

The second offence is worse! I'd bet he couldn't sit down for several weeks after this one.

This man was caught driving while under the influence of alcohol, in Singapore , first offense. Singapore does not have a big drunk driving problem.
After watching this I can understand why they don't have a big problem with drunk driving.

video

REPUBLICAN BUDGET CUT PROPOSALS

THIS IS JUST A ‘BEGINNING’…. WAKE UP AMERICA! THESE BUDGET ITEMS MUST BE ELIMINATED!

Subject: Fwd: REPUBLICAN BUDGET CUT PROPOSALS…LET’S GET THIS STARTED ASAP!
YA GOTTA START SOMEWHERE……….AND SOON!


These are all the programs that the new Republican House has proposed cutting.

Corporation for Public Broadcasting Subsidy. $445 million annual savings.
Save America 's Treasures Program. $25 million annual savings.
International Fund for Ireland . $17 million annual savings.
Legal Services Corporation. $420 million annual savings.
National Endowment for the Arts. $167.5 million annual savings.
National Endowment for the Humanities. $167.5 million annual savings.
Hope VI Program.. $250 million annual savings.
Amtrak Subsidies. $1.565 billion annual savings.
Eliminate duplicative education programs. H.R. 2274 (in last Congress), authored by Rep. McKeon, eliminates 68 at a savings of $1.3 billion annually.
U.S. Trade Development Agency. $55 million annual savings.
Woodrow Wilson Center Subsidy. $20 million annual savings.
Cut in half funding for congressional printing and binding. $47 million annual savings.
John C. Stennis Center Subsidy. $430,000 annual savings.
Community Development Fund. $4.5 billion annual savings.
Heritage Area Grants and Statutory Aid. $24 million annual savings.
Cut Federal Travel Budget in Half. $7.5 billion annual savings.
Trim Federal Vehicle Budget by 20%. $600 million annual savings.
Essential Air Service. $150 million annual savings.
Technology Innovation Program. $70 million annual savings.
Manufacturing Extension Partnership (MEP) Program. $125 million annual savings.
Department of Energy Grants to States for Weatherization. $530 million annual savings.
Beach Replenishment. $95 million annual savings.
New Starts Transit. $2 billion annual savings.
Exchange Programs for Alaska Natives, Native Hawaiians, and Their Historical Trading Partners in Massachusetts . $9 million annual savings. What the hell is this anyway…?
Intercity and High Speed Rail Grants. $2.5 billion annual savings.
Title X Family Planning. $318 million annual savings.
Appalachian Regional Commission. $76 million annual savings.
Economic Development Administration. $293 million annual savings.
Programs under the National and Community Services Act. $1.15 billion annual savings.
Applied Research at Department of Energy. $1.27 billion annual savings.
FreedomCAR and Fuel Partnership. $200 million annual savings.
Energy Star Program. $52 million annual savings.
Economic Assistance to Egypt . $250 million annually.
U.S. Agency for International Development. $1.39 billion annual savings.
General Assistance to District of Columbia . $210 million annual savings.
Subsidy for Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. $150 million annual savings.
Presidential Campaign Fund. $775 million savings over ten years.
No funding for federal office space acquisition. $864 million annual savings.
End prohibitions on competitive sourcing of government services. Repeal the Davis-Bacon Act. More than $1 billion annually.
IRS Direct Deposit: Require the IRS to deposit fees for services it offers (such as processing payment plans for taxpayers) to the Treasury, instead of allowing payments to remain as part of its budget. $1.8 billion savings over ten years.
Require collection of unpaid taxes by federal employees. $1 billion total savings. WHAT THE HELL…!
Prohibit taxpayer funded union activities by federal employees. $1.2 billion savings over ten years.
Sell excess federal properties the government does not make use of. $15 billion total savings.
Eliminate Mohair Subsidies. $1 million annual savings.
Eliminate taxpayer subsidies to the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. $12.5 million annual savings.
Eliminate Market Access Program. $200 million annual savings.
USDA Sugar Program. $14 million annual savings.
Subsidy to Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD).$93 million annual savings.
Eliminate the National Organic Certification Cost-Share Program. $56.2 million annual savings.
Eliminate fund for Obamacare administrative costs. $900 million savings.
Ready to Learn TV Program. $27 million savings.
Eliminate death gratuity for Members of Congress.
HUD Ph.D. Program.
Deficit Reduction Check-Off Act


TOTAL SAVINGS: $2.5 Trillion over Ten Years


My question, what THE HELL is all this doing in the budget in the first place…?
Is there anything listed you cannot do without…?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Recess, as explained by Uncle Jay

This is why they need the raises and all the perks. The Congress works hard. Or is it hardly works! Enjoy the explanation of recess brought to you by Uncle Jay!

video

Friday Night

Folks in rural mid-America used to have a routine down: they'd head into town on Saturdays to sell produce, do some shopping, go to the movie theater, perhaps have a lunch or dinner at the local cafe'. And, as everyone surely knows, folks in rural mid-America all wear bib overalls and clodhopper boots. A straw hat is optional.

That was a traditional coming-together of friends and neighbors.

Today, with the Internet, gaming, television, off-road vehicles, and other elements to occupy people's time, perhaps the old gathering of the clans is not quite as extensive in days of yore.

However, here in Paradise (Southern California), we have a similar event where friends and family gather together . . . to take in the sights, to meet up with family and friends, and perhaps to grab a bite to eat as one strolls up and down the streets. Here in Escondido, it's called 'Cruisin' Grand.'

Grand Avenue is the main thoroughfare in downtown Escondido. A number of years ago a handsome young fella by name of Steve Waldron came up with the idea: "wouldn't it be great to have a Classic Car Show every Friday night in downtown Escondido?" It was, indeed a great idea . . . and it came to pass, thanks mostly to Steve Waldron's vision.

Last night, we decided to take our beloved pooch, Trixie, and saunter up and down Grand Avenue, taking in the sights and sounds of 'Crusin' Grand.' A couple of typical scenes:





Naturally, I had dressed for the occasion in formal attire. Birkenstock sandals, white tennis shorts, black sports shirt and white windbreaker jacket (it was a mite cool). (I had not been able to find my bib overalls nor my clodhopper boots). With Trixie on her leash, we wound or way through the crowded streets, often having to stop as people wanted to pet Trixie and say hello.

Trixie was in seventh heaven. Lots of other people had their pups on a leash and she would whimper and cry to let me know she wanted to go say hello and play with them. Naturally, I allowed this. The pups would meet up, sniff each other for about 45 seconds and then move on to find yet more playmates. Dogs can be fickle at times.

It's a bit noisy at these events. In front of my bank there was a band with three attractive gals on the mike, singing their hearts out. They were very, very good singers. One was tempted to just find a sitting place and enjoy the music. Several folks were dancing, including a six year old gal.

Up the street about two blocks was a dee jay, playing some of the classic hits. I bumped into a friend, Dirk Reschly, and his family, and while chatting in front of the dee jay's location, "In the Mood" was playing. For a moment I was transported back to Peony Park in Omaha, Nebraska, where I grew up (if I ever did). I started to wonder how many times I had danced to that song. It was quite often.

Crossed the street and headed back to our entry point . . . about three blocks back in the direction from which we had just come. The noise troubled Trixie a little bit. Sometimes some car aficionado had to gun his engine to show off his explosive tail pipes . . . and that startled her. Me, too. But, she clearly enjoyed herself, as did I.

We turned the corner back to the parking lot and the band with the three pretty girls began to play and sing a Beatle's song. Nice.

We came home, refreshed. We had heard some good music, met a lot of new puppies, saw a number of friends, and lots of shiny, gleaming, beautiful classic cars.

It's a good way to spend a summer's evening on a Friday.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Popsicle

The only way to pull off an afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

- 'An ambulance just drove by!'

- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'

- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having noon sex!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

Cowboy Rules . . .

Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!
And there is more...
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends...........

I just did..........

Party in Vermont . . .

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far
away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total
isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it
and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

'Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come.'

'Great,' says Sam, 'after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you.'

As Enoch is leaving he stops, 'Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin!'

'Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do
that with the best of them.'

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin', too.'

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. 'Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

Once again Enoch turns from the door. 'I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too.'

'Now that's not a problem' says Sam, 'Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear
to the party?'

Enoch stops in the door again and says 'Whatever you want, it's
just gonna be the two of us!'

Confucius Did Not Say . . .

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

A Summary of Chuckles . . .

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,'I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it
was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained
their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the
man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from
Bunco and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with
another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the
balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment,
killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex... He could also fly.'

Observatons on Maturing

It's harder to tell navy from black.

Your kids are becoming you and you don't like them! But your grandchildren are perfect.

Yellow becomes THE color of skin -- hair -- teeth.

Going out is good. Coming home is better.

When people say you look "Great", they add "for your age".

You forget names. It's okay because other people forgot they even knew you.

The last two outfits you wore had spots on them.

You ask your spouse or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15. You have a better chance of losing your keys than the pounds.

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially playing the piano or golf.

Your spouse is counting on you to remember the things you don't remember.

The things you cared to do, you don't care to do now. You do not care that you don't care to do them anymore.

Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called the "pre-sleep".

Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident?" Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married. Now you say, "I hope they STAY married!"

The best place to have a conversation with your spouse is in the bathroom. You have their full attention.

Who wants to wear three or four inch heels anyway?

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

You use more four letter words - what? when?

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

Notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless.

Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.

Your concealer doesn't conceal.

Your lipstick bleeds.

Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing.

You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked weekly.

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

Now that your spouse has retired, you'd give anything if they would find a job.

You have three sizes of clothes in your closet two of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all OLD FRIENDS. Thanks for being one of mine!

Protection from Tornadoes and Hurricanes?

The first thought that comes to my mind on this video is . . . what a great way to protect yourself against tornadoes!

Folks in the south and midwest . . . and even, lately, the east coast . . . have been slammed with tornadoes this year.

Just think how many lives would have been saved if homeowners had one of these!

Great idea!


http://www.wimp.com/concretetents/

My webmistress . . .

This gal, Evelyn Irving, was my webmistress until just recently, and still consults with me. She is absolutely brilliant. I knew most of the stuff about her as revealed in the article, some was new, none was surprising. Well, that's not quite true.
How she managed to pull herself up from the bottom of the world to accomplish great things is a very pleasant surprise.

The interview captures her personality. She is a fun gal with a ready laugh and quick wit.

Enjoy meeting my pal, Evelyn:

http://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/2011/jun/08/feature-there-no-black-san-diego/

Amazing Interactive Map of American History

U.S. History.

Probably the best capsule of the history of our country ever put together. It's fascinating to watch the evolution of growth from the 13 colonies up to the present day -- with dates, wars, purchases, etc. all included. As much as you may know about American history, I guarantee you'll learn something from this short video clip.

Best history lesson you've had in a long time - maybe the best ever! You can click on each state for more about them.

This “moving” map of the country, showing it from the beginning of the 13 states and going through the present.

It includes the acquisitions from England and Spain, the Slave states, the Free states, a segment on the Civil war, it includes some mentions of Central and South America, etc.

One of the things I especially liked was showing the Indian Nations as they were during the Indian Wars: Modac, Miwok, Mujave, Nez Perce, Flat Head, Crow, Cheyenne, Arapaho, Navajo, Apache, Dakota, Sioux, Kiowa, Wichita and Comanche.

I know you'll enjoy this site, especially if you enjoy American history, but have forgotten a lot of what was learned in school. Turn on your sound, as the narration is a significant portion of the presentation.

Click on the next line... (When it opens, do not click on Go at the bottom ... click on Play at the top.)


http://www.animatedatlas.com/movie.html

Buster Rides Again

In 1965 there was a film starring the old movie actor, Buster Keaton, called The Railrodder. It was a short subject and was the last film in which Buster Keaton had a real starring role, at least in anything memorable.

While they were making The Railrodder, they shot a much-longer documentary about how the film was made. In it, you get to see Buster in his natural habitat: On a movie shoot, trying to figure out how to make things work. Here it is — all 55 minutes of Buster Keaton Rides Again...

When you have an hour to spare, sit back, relax . . . and watch a Hollywood legend. He's long since passed on to The Great Perhaps - but this
is an interesting look at him as he tries to recapture his glory years:

http://www.nfb.ca/film/buster_keaton_rides_again

Saturday, June 4, 2011

How long of a runway does an Alaskan Bush Pilot need?

I know our military pilots are good . . but can they do this? (Hovercraft excepted) . .

video

Palm Springs . . . the good old days

Forwarded to me by dear friend, Alan Skuba, who is a big high mucky muck at Big Horn Golf Club in Palm Desert, Ca. (Kind of like a suburb of Palm Springs). Big Horn is one of those very exclusive gold clubs where it costs $350,000 or more just to join, plus property ownership, and then huge annual membership dues. It is only for the very wealthy. If you have to ask, you can't afford it. (I can't afford it).

Alan owned the radio station I managed in Escondido for seven years. We've been close friends ever since

These photos are from vintage Palm Springs . . . mostly back in the 50's and 60's. Palm Springs still houses the rich and famous. It is a neat getaway for us . . . about an hour and a half drive from our home. Lots to see and do, or to just kick back, enjoy the sun, and relax.

Palm Springs also has a very large gay population. Many gays are in the hotel/restaurant/hospitality profession. Once each year they have a weekend where the gays essentially take over the town. It's called the "White Party." There are hotels that cater almost exclusively to gay folks, several nude resorts that cater to gays (several for gay guys, several other for lesbians). Palm Springs is very gay tolerant.

Fall and spring are often the best times to visit Palm Springs. Wintertime can be sunny but a bit too cool to lay out by the pool and summertime is almost too hot. The pools have misters that help to cool you down but I don't care to go there in July, August, September; around October it begins to be more comfortable (sometimes September is okay). Still nice and warm but not intolerably hot as you find in the midst of summer.

Several times in my radio career I had a chance to go with a radio station in Palm Springs. I declined because I didn't like the hot weather and in the summer the radio audience tailed off because very few tourists were in town . . . mostly locals.

One resort, the Terra Cotta Inn, used to host (secretly) intimate meetings between JFK and Marilyn Monroe. We have visited there and seen the infamous room . . . and the private entrance where Secret Service agents would drop off JFK and he would walk through a secluded area into the private room for his tete-a-tete. Today, the Terra Cotta Inn has been purchased by new owners who turned it into a nudist resort. I think they would still show you the "intimate suite," and you probably wouldn't have to disrobe. You'd just have to be able to be comfortable walking to the site where there were a number of naked people sunbathing. (I'm guessing at that. Better call them first to make sure they'd even be willing to show it to visitors, robed or otherwise).

Just one of the "must-sees" is the Palm Springs Follies. A big time show biz production with singers and dancers, most of whom are in their 70's and 80's. You wouldn't think you'd see a whole lot but these "seniors" will knock your socks off. They look and dance like chorus girls of 22 and 23 - colorful costumes, great orchestral backup, superb choreography, terrific set design. Busloads of people come in regularly to see thise show. We've been, I think, three times. Evelyn says she'd go again tomorrow.

A lot of the landmarks shown in this video are still there . . . but there are a lot more as well.

As you can see, it stirred up a few memories for me.

Enjoy the video.

lyle


Thought you might like to see some of the good ol' days. Interesting pix from

Past days in Palm Springs…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZagUeRz3Gw

Ooops!

video

Louis Armstrong and Danny Kaye

video

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Standoff at the Drinking Fountain

video

The Devil Made Me Do It . . .

Try guessing what this Ad is about.

http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/

A Compellng Account of an ER doctor/Joplin Tornado

45 Seconds: Memoirs of an ER Doctor from May 22, 2011
Emergency Department
after May 22 tornado
View more photos from our Flickr
My name is Dr. Kevin Kikta, and I was one of two emergency room doctors who were on duty at St. John’s Regional Medical Center in Joplin, MO on Sunday, May 22, 2011.
You never know that it will be the most important day of your life until the day is over. The day started like any other day for me: waking up, eating, going to the gym, showering, and going to my 4:00 pm ER shift. As I drove to the hospital I mentally prepared for my shift as I always do, but nothing could ever have prepared me for what was going to happen on this shift. Things were normal for the first hour and half. At approximately 5:30 pm we received a warning that a tornado had been spotted. Although I work in Joplin and went to medical school in Oklahoma, I live in New Jersey, and I have never seen or been in a tornado. I learned that a “code gray” was being called. We were to start bringing patients to safer spots within the ED and hospital.
At 5:42 pm a security guard yelled to everyone, “Take cover! We are about to get hit by a tornado!” I ran with a pregnant RN, Shilo Cook, while others scattered to various places, to the only place that I was familiar with in the hospital without windows, a small doctor’s office in the ED. Together, Shilo and I tremored and huddled under a desk. We heard a loud horrifying sound like a large locomotive ripping through the hospital. The whole hospital shook and vibrated as we heard glass shattering, light bulbs popping, walls collapsing, people screaming, the ceiling caving in above us, and water pipes breaking, showering water down on everything. We suffered this in complete darkness, unaware of anyone else’s status, worried, scared. We could feel a tight pressure in our heads as the tornado annihilated the hospital and the surrounding area. The whole process took about 45 seconds, but seemed like eternity. The hospital had just taken a direct hit from a category EF5 tornado.
Then it was over. Just 45 seconds. 45 long seconds. We looked at each other, terrified, and thanked God that we were alive. We didn’t know, but hoped that it was safe enough to go back out to the ED, find the rest of the staff and patients, and assess our losses.
“Like a bomb went off. ” That’s the only way that I can describe what we saw next. Patients were coming into the ED in droves. It was absolute, utter chaos. They were limping, bleeding, crying, terrified, with debris and glass sticking out of them, just thankful to be alive. The floor was covered with about 3 inches of water, there was no power, not even backup generators, rendering it completely dark and eerie in the ED. The frightening aroma of methane gas leaking from the broken gas lines permeated the air; we knew, but did not dare mention aloud, what that meant. I redoubled my pace.

We had to use flashlights to direct ourselves to the crying and wounded. Where did all the flashlights come from? I’ll never know, but immediately, and thankfully, my years of training in emergency procedures kicked in. There was no power, but our mental generators were up and running, and on high test adrenaline. We had no cell phone service in the first hour, so we were not even able to call for help and backup in the ED.


I remember a patient in his early 20’s gasping for breath, telling me that he was going to die. After a quick exam, I removed the large shard of glass from his back, made the clinical diagnosis of a pneumothorax (collapsed lung) and gathered supplies from wherever I could locate them to insert a thoracostomy tube in him. He was a trooper; I’ll never forget his courage. He allowed me to do this without any local anesthetic since none could be found. With his life threatening injuries I knew he was running out of time, and it had to be done. Quickly. Imagine my relief when I heard a big rush of air, and breath sounds again; fortunately, I was able to get him transported out. I immediately moved on to the next patient, an asthmatic in status asthmaticus. We didn’t even have the option of trying a nebulizer treatment or steroids, but I was able to get him intubated using a flashlight that I held in my mouth. A small child of approximately 3-4 years of age was crying; he had a large avulsion of skin to his neck and spine. The gaping wound revealed his cervical spine and upper thoracic spine bones. I could actually count his vertebrae with my fingers. This was a child, his whole life ahead of him, suffering life threatening wounds in front of me, his eyes pleading me to help him.. We could not find any pediatric C collars in the darkness, and water from the shattered main pipes was once again showering down upon all of us. Fortunately, we were able to get him immobilized with towels, and start an IV with fluids and pain meds before shipping him out. We felt paralyzed and helpless ourselves. I didn’t even know a lot of the RN’s I was working with. They were from departments scattered all over the hospital. It didn’t matter. We worked as a team, determined to save lives. There were no specialists available -- my orthopedist was trapped in the OR. We were it, and we knew we had to get patients out of the hospital as quickly as possible. As we were shuffling them out, the fire department showed up and helped us to evacuate. Together we worked furiously, motivated by the knowledge and fear that the methane leaks could cause the hospital could blow up at any minute.
Things were no better outside of the ED. I saw a man crushed under a large SUV, still alive, begging for help; another one was dead, impaled by a street sign through his chest. Wounded people were walking, staggering, all over, dazed and shocked. All around us was chaos, reminding me of scenes in a war movie, or newsreels from bombings in Bagdad. Except this was right in front of me and it had happened in just 45 seconds. My own car was blown away. Gone. Seemingly evaporated. We searched within a half mile radius later that night, but never found the car, only the littered, crumpled remains of former cars. And a John Deere tractor that had blown in from miles away.
Tragedy has a way of revealing human goodness. As I worked, surrounded by devastation and suffering, I realized I was not alone. The people of the community of Joplin were absolutely incredible. Within minutes of the horrific event, local residents showed up in pickups and sport utility vehicles, all offering to help transport the wounded to other facilities, including Freeman, the trauma center literally across the street. Ironically, it had sustained only minimal damage and was functioning (although I’m sure overwhelmed). I carried on, grateful for the help of the community.
Within hours I estimated that over 100 EMS units showed up from various towns, counties and four different states. Considering the circumstances, their response time was miraculous. Roads were blocked with downed utility lines, smashed up cars in piles, and they still made it through.
We continued to carry patients out of the hospital on anything that we could find: sheets, stretchers, broken doors, mattresses, wheelchairs—anything that could be used as a transport mechanism.
As I finished up what I could do at St John’s, I walked with two RN’s, Shilo Cook and Julie Vandorn, to a makeshift MASH center that was being set up miles away at Memorial Hall. We walked where flourishing neighborhoods once stood, astonished to see only the disastrous remains of flattened homes, body parts, and dead people everywhere. I saw a small dog just wimpering in circles over his master who was dead, unaware that his master would not ever play with him again. At one point we tended to a young woman who just stood crying over her dead mother who was crushed by her own home. The young woman covered her mother up with a blanket and then asked all of us, “What should I do?” We had no answer for her, but silence and tears.
By this time news crews and photographers were starting to swarm around, and we were able to get a ride to Memorial Hall from another RN. The chaos was slightly more controlled at Memorial Hall. I was relieved to see many of my colleagues, doctors from every specialty, helping out. It was amazing to be able to see life again. It was also amazing to see how fast workers mobilized to set up this MASH unit under the circumstances. Supplies, food, drink, generators, exam tables, all were there—except pharmaceutical pain meds. I sutured multiple lacerations, and splinted many fractures, including some open with bone exposed, and then intubated another patient with severe COPD, slightly better controlled conditions this time, but still less than optimal.
But we really needed pain meds. I managed to go back to the St John’s with another physician, pharmacist, and a sheriff’s officer. Luckily, security let us in to a highly guarded pharmacy to bring back a garbage bucket sized supply of pain meds.
At about midnight I walked around the parking lot of St. John’s with local law enforcement officers looking for anyone who might be alive or trapped in crushed cars. They spray-painted “X”s on the fortunate vehicles that had been searched without finding anyone inside. The unfortunate vehicles wore “X’s” and sprayed-on numerals, indicating the number of dead inside, crushed in their cars, cars which now resembled flattened recycled aluminum cans the tornado had crumpled in her iron hands, an EF5 tornado, one of the worst in history, whipping through this quiet town with demonic strength. I continued back to Memorial hall into the early morning hours until my ER colleagues told me it was time for me to go home. I was completely exhausted. I had seen enough of my first tornado.
How can one describe these indescribable scenes of destruction? The next day I saw news coverage of this horrible, deadly tornado. It was excellent coverage, and Mike Bettes from the Weather Channel did a great job, but there is nothing that pictures and video can depict compared to seeing it in person. That video will play forever in my mind.
I would like to express my sincerest gratitude to everyone involved in helping during this nightmarish disaster. My fellow doctors, RN’s, techs, and all of the staff from St. John’s. I have worked at St John’s for approximately 2 years, and I have always been proud to say that I was a physician at St John’s in Joplin, MO. The smart, selfless and immediate response of the professionals and the community during this catastrophe proves to me that St John’s and the surrounding community are special. I am beyond proud.
To the members of this community, the health care workers from states away, and especially Freeman Medical Center, I commend everyone on unselfishly coming together and giving 110% the way that you all did, even in your own time of need. St John’s Regional Medical Center is gone, but her spirit and goodness lives on in each of you.
EMS, you should be proud of yourselves. You were all excellent, and did a great job despite incredible difficulties and against all odds
For all of the injured who I treated, although I do not remember your names (nor would I expect you to remember mine) I will never forget your faces. I’m glad that I was able to make a difference and help in the best way that I knew how, and hopefully give some of you a chance at rebuilding your lives again. For those whom I was not able to get to or treat, I apologize whole heartedly.
Last, but not least, thank you, and God bless you, Mercy/St John’s for providing incredible care in good times and even more so, in times of the unthinkable, and for all the training that enabled us to be a team and treat the people and save lives.
Sincerely,
Kevin J. Kikta, DO
Department of Emergency Medicine
Mercy/St John’s Regional Medical Center, Joplin, MO

Monday, May 30, 2011

Rare Footage of Hitler Singing - Turn up the Sound!

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The Brits Know How to Advertise . . .

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Nescafe' and the Pope

The Nescafe brand manager has arranged a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican ...



After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."



The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."



Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this Reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

A gain, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion pounds - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .... The good news is that the Church will receive a donation £500 million."

" And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Bread Account."

Good Dog

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