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Monday, July 11, 2011

Telephone Poles

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone

pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys

and a team of two Irish guys.. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's

what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day.

The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys,

came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it

was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they

were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys


Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Sunday Evening

Our Kiwanis Club held its second annual "garage sale" yesterday; actually, the sale is on a parking lot adjacent to a heavily traveled street. A local guy donates a storage van and folks are invited to bring in the trash/treasure to be sold, profits going to the Kiwanis General Fund. I signed up for the early shift, 6:30am to 9am, so did Evelyn, but she stayed all morning, not leaving till noon. I left early because I had a meeting with a client and my sales manager. Last I heard, we made about $1,000, perhaps more.

At one point, Kevin Camperell, a local CPA and fellow Kiwanian, was chatting with two Mexican lady shoppers. "See that grey haired fella sitting over there, with the sun glasses? $2." Without batting an eye, the Mexican lady said, "$1." So I had my value set.

However, later in the morning two other Mexican ladies came by and I pointed to myself, saying, "Soy muy baratto . . Cinco dollares!" (I'm a very good bargain, Five dollars). She laughed and said, "I would pay $10." So I multiplied my value 10-fold in the space of a couple hours.

When I got back about 3pm from my client meeting, Evelyn was sound asleep. She slept for about two hours, completely exhausted from the long morning in the hot sun. I learned later she had bought the white easy chair I had been sitting in (for $30. A steal!) . . . but today I found about four or five boxes full of things she just couldn't resist. I told her when we hold the garage sale next year I was going to prohibit her from attending.

Today we went to a Collectibles Show at the Center for the Arts. Not something that really excites me, just went out of curiousity and a possible story for the paper. The only thing I found of interest was a rawhide bullwhip. I fingered it gently and looked at Evelyn and said . . ."Hmm, I just may have a use for this . . ." She glared at me and I put the whip down. Besides, they wanted $30. $15, maybe I would have bought it. For disciplinary reasons, you understand.

Taking Trixie for a walk this morning on the front lawn and looked down to see a tail and some innards from some type of animal. At first I thought the tail was that of a large rat . . but I think now it was more likely an opposum. I'm thinking an owl swooped down and got it . . . but owls, I believe, tend to swallow their prey whole. I've seen them on video swallowing a whole rabbit and a whole opposum.
This animal had been torn apart and eaten . . . something I would think more likely of a hawk or eagle, both of which we have around here.

We thought the owls had left. Evelyn used to hear them screech every evening as soon as it got dark. She'd notice them when she'd walk Trixie. Lately, she has not heard them screech so we figured they had moved on. I haven't checked the pile of owl poop at the base of their house so don't know if it's gotten larger or stayed the same. Given this mornings discovery, perhaps they are still here.

I was taking Trixie for a walk tonight and Evelyn came down the street, returning from shopping at Costco, and turned the corner toward our home. Trixie recognizes her car and the second she saw mommy coming home she belted off after the car to see her mommy. That little pup pulls me like a sled dog. I'm 235 lbs, she's, perhaps, 15 . . . but she can pull me along to where I have to run to keep up with her . . . then I start laughing at what must be a comical sight to the neighbors . . . this little bitty dog pulling this somewhat beefy man in the direction of a dark blue Hyundai . . . with the man laughing. The more I pictured this image, the harder I laughed.

Then, of course, the minute Trixie reaches mommy she sniffs her once or twice and then goes exploring again.

She is smart, that Trixie. She can spell. It's gotten so when I ask Evelyn if we should take "her for a R-I-D-E," she jumps up and twirls round and round; we ain't fooling her. And Heaven help me if I dare say, before Ms. Evelyn is ready, "does Trixie wanna go for a CAR RIDE?" . . . Again, she goes nuts. And Evelyn glares at me cause she hasn't put her face on or combed her hair or changed her shoes. I have learned to keep mum until I know mommy is ready to go, for sure. We just can't get the pup too excited.

Once in the car she settles down on my left thigh and looks out the window, the perfect little lady. She absolutely loves to go for car rides. It's getting so bad I start to feel guilty every time I leave the house and we have to leave her home.

I think Trixie has mommy and daddy trained pretty well.

More tomorrow, perhaps. For now, nighty-night.


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Take the Test!

The fact that so few people pass this test is a pure example of how bad our education system is regarding important things. We assume we know a lot about government, but when it comes to pin-pointing what the items are, we slip. I know - its been a long time since some of us studied government.

It takes 70% to pass. The average is 55%. I got 81.82%

Try it yourself: Good luck.

How the Internet Really Began . . .

> How the Internet Really Began
> In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
> And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
> Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
> And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said,
> "How, dear?"
> And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
> Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
> To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
> But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.
> And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
> And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
> Lo, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." “YAHOO!," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
> Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
> And that is how it all began. Honest to God!
> =

The Green Bay Packers . .

After the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins.
forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

Question: Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?

Ole and Lena and Lars

Ole, Lena, and Lars
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena , "I don't want to go dat fast, I tink I'll youst take da bus."
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had sued for non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife 400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge" said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

A waitress asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained the waitress.

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No."

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. You just say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale'."

"Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"
After Sven replied, "I don't know,"
Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars..
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn' Valter."

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka , Minnesota .
The policeman, who was good friend of Ole', said, "Ole What in the worlld are you doing? Where are your clothes? You'e naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'swinger' Sven's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!" So vee all go into the bedroom den he yells, Everybody git nakked!' Vel, vee all got undressed Den he yells, Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here."

Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleyes. He had two buckets of fish.
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into der buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!"
"What fish?"

To those in North Dakota , Minnesota , and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada , I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE......BIN LOGGIN'!"