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Sunday, September 5, 2010

Looking for Work? Here are some tips . . .

From Fortune Magazine: The spelling is exactly the
way it appeared in the magazine.

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

5 . "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock

17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

20. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

21. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain

22. "Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I
have never quit a job."

23. "Marital status: often.Children: various."

24. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work
under those conditions."

25. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

26. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

27. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

My personal favorites from my own experience:

28. Came in, sat down, and nervously creased and re-creased and straightened his legs compulsively until everything was perfect, then continued to recheck. When I asked him some leading questions to get him to chat a bit about his problem solving skills, he got agitated and demanded "why do you want to know that? how would i know that? what do you mean by that?

29. This one ALMOST had the job, but he talked his way out of it. He was a bit colorful (admitted he didn't own much corporate
attire, and came in wearing a threadbare buttondown with spots
on the collar and an AWFUL tie), but I was willing to overlook
that out of desperation at the time. While I was still in the
process of going through other resumes and the like, he kept
calling me back with this type of question (keep in mind, I
hadn't yet offered him the job):

When will I get my first paycheck? If I come in and start work
today, could I get an advance on my first paycheck?

and one of my favorites:

Will I be trained in X? I really want to beef up my job skills
in that area, so that training would really help me get a job

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