1. If you're pushing fifty, that's exercise enough.
2. To say nothing often reflects a fine command of the
3. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Hutchinson's "Old Faithful" Aphorism:
Things are more like they are now than they ever have been
A body in motion pushed by a huge fear doubles in force.
All some people expect in life is a fair advantage.
Any instrument that requires amplification probably should
not be heard.
We get so concerned with urgent, we never have time to
deal with the important.
The First Law of Mathematics:
The answer has to look right.
Schwab's Commentary on Travel:
You can never really get away - you can only take yourself
Use your talents. The woods would be silent if only the
birds sang that sing the best.
Karl Marx's Afterthought:
The masses are the opium of religion.
Seek simplicity, and distrust it.
Cynicism is as parasitic as patriotism, but as long as man
is a damned idiot, both are necessary.
If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
1. Work expands to fill the time available for its
completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived
importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time
to be spent in its completion.
2. Expenditures rise to meet income.
3. If there is a way to delay an important decision, the
good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
4. The number of people in any working group tends to
increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
We do the right thing accidentally far more often than on
1. Don't be so broadminded that your brains fall out.
2. There is no mistake in life beyond which all is down hill.
3. A doppess is always dropping things, but a shlemiel
picks up after him.
The best way to break a habit is to drop it.
The Machinist's Law of Diminishing Dimensions:
Grease is cheaper than steel.
George Santayana's Rumination:
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you
have forgotten your aim.
Dr. Conklin's Summations:
1. The girl who can't dance says the band is lousy.
2. You should be very careful with your pretenses, for you
are what you pretend to be.
The "I Got Troubles" Law:
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what
keeps us there.
McFadden's Addendum to Poor Richard's Almanac:
To go to bed late and get up early, makes a man cross,
mean, and surly.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
The Second Theory of Relativity:
If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't
1. Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing
you do will be wrong.
2. How long a minute is, depends on which side of the
bathroom door you're on.
1. Never eat in a restaurant named Mom's, play poker with
a man named Doc, or buy a car from a man named Frenchy.
2. There's a great difference between right and wrong, but
sometimes it's difficult to tell which is which.
3. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
The Digger's Dilemma, or the Law of Augmented Returns:
More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.
If you have to tell people you're famous - you aren't.
A thing not looked for is seldom found.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, and that's sufficient.
When you tell a thing three times - it's true.
When no one is willing to listen to you, THINK.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Ideally, every morning a man should be older, heavier,
uglier, and have a deeper voice than his wife.
Canada Bill Jone's Supplement:
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Whoever learns to control the weather will have destroyed
the last safe topic of conversation.
Whatever goes up will go up some more after the first of
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to
do it himself.
1. If you don't want to see trees, stay out of the forest.
2. Do unto others as they should do unto you but won't.
3. It's the best of all possible worlds, and that's the
way the ball bounces.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Cook's Profound Principle:
A marksman is one who shoots first, and whatever he hits,
he calls the target.
Everyone serves a purpose in life, even if it is to be a
The advantage of being a pessimist is that all your
surprises are pleasant.
Loren William's Belief:
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
Don't knock irritants. How else would we get pearls?
Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryographic Systems:
While bryographic plants are typically encountered in
substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state,
discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly
spherical configuration which, in the presence of suitable
gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combine
translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such
cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of
We therefore conclude that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
1. A sinner can reform, but stupid is forever.
2. One seventh of our lives is spent on Mondays.