A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "rye not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"
"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter, you're all alike."
There's a few minutes of silence....
"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanicm" says the co-pilot.
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, nomattah...all same."
It’s Football Time!
Something to chuckle about before you watch your favorite college football teams play.
1. ‘Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas! '
- Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
2. 'After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
3. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas
4. 'When you win, nothing hurts.' - Joe Namath / Alabama
5. 'Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas
6. 'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!' - Bear Bryant / Alabama
7. 'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
8. 'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
9. 'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' - Bob Devaney / Nebraska
10. 'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' - Wally Butts / Georgia
11. 'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' - Paul Dietzel / LSU
12. 'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama
13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world: 'No, but you can see it from here.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...
14. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama
15. 'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.' - Matty Bell / SMU
16. 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
17. 'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' - Alex Karras / Iowa
18. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' -Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
19. 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
20. 'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' - Shug Jordan / Auburn
21. 'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' - Darrell Royal / Texas
22. 'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
23. 'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' - Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
24. 'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
25. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
26. 'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' - John McKay / USC
28. 'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
29. 'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
30. 'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' - Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
31. 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
32. 'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches....' - Darrell Royal / Texas
33. 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking..' - Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School
34. 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.' - Darrell Royal / University of Texas
35. 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
36. 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' - John Heisman
Sad News from Minnesota
I have some very sad news out of Duluth this morning to share with everyone.
This will bring about change in North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and even parts of Canada. There will be far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our heritage and souls.
To those in the rest of the country and world, I must report the tragic news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Sven.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
A Dark and Stormy Night
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty Hill, were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,"Hello My name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty Hill. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob Hill and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”