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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

More of a Collection of Humor

Remember when we first heard a famous football player had murdered his
wife and we all hoped it was Frank?

Nice computers don't go down on you.

Four out of five doctors agree that one doctor is lying.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is.

Stupidity is NOT a handicap...park elsewhere!

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can understand them

Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why are men like kitchen tiles?
A: if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them
for the rest of your life!

Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: All the good ones are taken, and all that's left are the
handicapped one's.

Q: How is a man unlike a government bond?
A: Government bonds will someday mature

Q: What is the perfect man?
A: A gingerbread man... He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you
any crap, you can bite his head off!

Q: Why do men float better than women?
A: 'Cause men are scum!

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A:.They irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: one... men will screw anything

I have decided that I am an absolute anti-monacharist.

Unless, of course, I am appointed King.

In which case I shall bestow upon every single man, woman and
child who reads this conference their own personal castle, fiefdom and
lifelong sinecure.

But, I don't want to tempt you.

A question for the CPA's. . .To whom do we owe the National Debt?

A Buddist nudist practices yoga bare!

You need professional help. May I suggest Jack Kevorkian?

I once dreamt I was a tailpipe and woke up exhausted.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

Punishment SHOULD be cruel & unusual. It works better.

When a duck sees something falling, does it yell human?

As Zeus said to Narcissus: "Watch yourself!"

You can trust me: I'm not a lawyer.

Ed seized the moment but found he had no place to put it.

With schizophrenia you're never alone!

I started with nothing and have most of it left.

A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly. -- Winnie the Pooh

In Arkansas, if a couple gets a divorce, are they still brother and


We call it software because we can't keep it up.

Quasimodo raised rabbits.
(You've heard of the hutch back of Notre Dame.)

Hear about the underwater, musical version of Hunchback? Yup:
Ringing in the Seine.

Opera is wonderful until they start to sing.

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