Jewish Mothers and More . . .

"Shul committees should be made up of three members,
two of whom should be absent at every meeting."
-- William Spurgeon, Murphy's Law for Shul
**********************
What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say
to her customer?
You never write, you never call, you only visit
when you need money.

What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter
when she told her she had an affair?
"Who catered it?"

What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
Gefiltered.

What is the most common disease transmitted
by Jewish Mothers?
Guilt

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole
officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Why are Jewish Mothers always excused from
jury duty?
They all insist that they're the guilty ones.

Why are there so few Jewish Mothers who are
alcoholics ?
Because alcohol dulls the pain.

What is a genius?
An average student with a Jewish Mother.

What's the difference between a Jewish
Mother and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your
heart out."
*****************
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white
bread, somewhere a Jew dies."
-- Milton Berle
*****************
An American Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and entered a posh
gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails
approached him and politely asked, "May I be of help to you, sir?"


"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."


"No, no," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean 'smoked
salmon'."


"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."


"Anything else?"


"Yes, a dozen blintzes."


"No, no. You mean 'crepes'."


"Okay, a dozen crepes."


"Anything else?"


"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."


"No, no. You mean 'pate'."


"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate; and," he added, "I'd
like you to deliver this to my house on Saturday."


"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep chazzerai on
Shabbos!"
***************
ALMS FOR THE SCHNORRER

A destitute man went from door to door asking for alms because his house
was destroyed in a fire.

"Have you a document from your rabbi affirming that your story is true?"

"Oy," he replied. "That, too, was destroyed in the fire!"