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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Two Groans and an Apology:

*1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it"."But I paid a
million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am?
I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were
destroyed in a fire .... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells
*3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, Doctor!
I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
*4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go
out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep
on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
*5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the
cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico
rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the
expression ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
saying,"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
*7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a
long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling
him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every
day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief
was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,"The thong is ended, but
the malady lingers on."
*8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found
his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
*9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The
one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes
to prove that ... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
*10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that
the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the
Brujo looked him in the eye and said,"Let me tell you,with fronds
like these, you don't need enemas.

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