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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Taking up a collection . . . of jokes

My cousin took my 80 year old aunt to find out about hearing aids. The clerk told Aunt Bette the hearing aid would cost $900. She thought about it for a moment then said she didn’t want one. Explaining her decision, she said, “In all my years, I’ve never heard a conversation that was worth $900.”

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child’s voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child’s words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense. He was repeating the alphabet.

“Why are you saying your ABCs so many times,: I asked him.

The child replied,’ I‘m saying my prayers.”

I could not help but laugh., ‘Prayers? All I heard is the alphabet.”

Patiently, the child explained, “Well, I don’t know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I’m trying to say.”

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they were settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, :Are all those kids yours?”

He replied,’No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

According to researchers at Ohio State University, sleeping with the light on may cause obesity. Especially, if it’s the refrigerator light.

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the paper delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly. “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorhea!: Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day, so of course, I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was!”

A man in New Zealand, a man who lost his wedding ring in the ocean, found it in the water over a year later. The man said the most amazing thing about the story is that his wife fell for it!

A man died. A wonderful funeral was taking place, during which the preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased. The preacher went on about “what an honest man”, and ‘what a loving husband and kind father he was” Finally, after hearing all of this praise, the widow leaned over and whispered to her youngest child, “Go up and take a look in the coffin. See if that’s your father in there!”

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