Personal Hygiene

--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

--Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of
finger foods.

--Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal
and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy
when using this method.

DINING OUT

--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

--A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.

--Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

--Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

--If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)

--Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.

--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that
were stolen from a cemetery.

--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's
bathroom wall two years ago."

--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

--If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end
in frustration.

--Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for
your reputation.

--Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

--Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

--Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

--Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the
groom.

--When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it
is.

--Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

--A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective,
but also a proven fly deterrent.

--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

--Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.

--When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

--Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

--Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

--Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
fit in.

--Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press
charges.

--Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

--Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

--The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.

--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.