Going to Die
At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have only six months to live."
"Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in, he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.
"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to live I'd better make the most of my time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl, how come?"
"It'll seem longer."
Call the Priest
It was a dark and stormy night, and Medelson, an old man, knew that the end was near. "Call the priest," he said to his wife, "and tell him to come right away." "The priest? Max, you're delirious. You mean the rabbi!"
"No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest. Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?"
Brisket Just Like Bubbe Made It
A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this.
The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure.
This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her."
So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.
The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home.
"You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"
It's the yahtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered. She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."
"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name."
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . . You're a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you!"
"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.
"Sister,why are you leaving?"
"I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"
Do you speak Yiddish
A man asks a passerby, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
The man shakes his head.
He asks a second man, but gets no answer.
He stops a third man. "Do you speak Yiddish?"
"Please, vat time is it?"
Bar Mitzvah Definition
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.