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Monday, December 27, 2010

Buts and Pieces

Wonderful cartoon in The New Yorker years ago. Drunk sitting on couch at big cocktail party. He's talking earnestly to the woman sitting next to him.

Caption reads: But I AM your wife and I DO understand you.

Doubtless you've heard of the prudish amputee Goody One Shoe.

"I find humility means to be hurt.
It's not the earth the meek inherit, it's the dirt."

The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.
-- Mark Twain

Victory belongs to the most persevering.
-- Napolean Bonaparte

Men are born with two eyes, but only one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
-- Charles Caleb Colton

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
-- William James

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.
--Fran Lebowitz--

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never wrote to thank her.

I only drink in the event of snakebite, fortunately, I always carry a small snake.

Churches with all the answers don't allow questions.

The raised arse through which conservatives pontificate, while their head is buried in the sand, makes a dandy target.

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.

I used to date a girl who told me that she flunked her first five driving tests. Seems that every time the car stopped, she jumped in the back seat.

"When I go, I want it to be just the same way my grandfather
did...totally asleep and not screaming and crying the way his
passengers did."

Texas bisexual: a man who likes both cattle and sheep.

Democrats cut red tape....LENGTHWISE

On a "one-night stand", who stands?

I just heard the bad news that Lorena Bobbitt had been killed in
an automobile accident. Yes, it's true...some dick cut her off.

A Willowdale OR ordinance forbids profanity during sex.
Are electronic buggers ohmosexual?
Aural sex produces eargasms.
God created sex. Priests created marriage. (Voltaire)
Great sex is like a sore dick - you just can't beat it.
I remember when safe sex referred to a padded headboard.
If you can't give up sex, get married and taper off.
In some, chastity produces pimples; in others, sex laws.
Rural safe sex: painting an "X" on those cows that kick.
The hand is probably the primary sex organ.

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