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Sunday, August 15, 2010

A SITREP on Trixie, the War Dog

Her training is proceeding nicely.

She has learned how to infiltrate an enemy barracks, locate their tennis shoes or Birkenstock sandals and drag them off to places unknown. (If an enemy was awake while this was happening they might be tempted to chuckle because the tennis shoe or Birkenstock sandal is approximately 1.5 times the size of the pup).

Yes, I imagine some of you are slapping your thighs and guffawing and saying silly things like, "what possible military value would it be for a dog to drag shoes or sandals off to parts unknown?"

Well, Mr. Smarty Pants (or Ms. Smarty Pants, as the case may be) . . . did you ever try to go into combat barefoot? Or limping along with one sandal and not the other? A well shod enemy soldier is a threat . . . one with no shoes, or only one, is just a big ol' silly person.

We are also training her for intelligence work. We figure if we implant a tiny transmitter just under her skin that she will be able to give the enemy that, "hold me, I'm pretty, I'm weak, I'm vulnerable look," with those eyes of hers and the enemy will welcome her into their home or barracks. Once infiltrated all she has to do is curl up on a couch and we can listen in to all the conversations taking place. This is great Intel both for planning defenses as well as attacks.

We even have her trained to jump into bed with the enemy and to sleep long and hard, just like a people person. Even the most intimate of conversations will thus be captured. This information, via tape recordings, may be used to blackmail or extort the enemy into providing us with valuable information.

One day soon, in a month or so, we will probably get around to teaching her the ground rules for being housebroken. We have these lovely doggie treats, little bone-shaped biscuits, that we give her when she's been good. So far, she's managed to teach us a trick or two. Like giving her a doggie treat when all she did was come back into the house. Or come when we call her name. For some reason, she doesn't seem to equate receiving a treat with a reward for going tinkle or poopy. I think she may even get upset when she doesn't get a treat for having gone tinkle or poopie in the house.

But, we'll get around to that more advanced training once we finish basic training. After all, if she's going to be a killer attack dog, we need to learn the important things first. She has learned to bark. When strangers approach the house she barks to sound the alarm and then executes the highly touted military maneuver known as the 'lyle davis defense.' She runs away.

At less than five pounds, she is small enough that she could easily be taught to infiltrate enemy positions under cover of darkness.

In short, she is making marvelous progress.

In fact, it is now time to take her for her morning PT (physical training). I would accompany her on this exercise . . . but I can only seem to find one of my Birkenstock sandals . . . can't imagine what happened to the other one.

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