Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Politicians are like baboons: the higher they climb, the more they expose their least attractive aspects.
"I believe in the fundamental Truth of all the great
religions of the world. I believe that they are all
God given. I came to the conclusion long ago...that
all religions were true and also that all had some
error in them."
- Gandhi, February 16, 1934
Even the lotus blossom has its roots in the muck.
"Don't go knockin' the mountain ---how'd ya like to climb this high without no mountain?"
Porky Pine to Pogo Possum, 1970 June 20
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
-- George Bernard Shaw
"'My country, right or wrong' is like 'My mother, drunk or sober.'"
From Yogi Berra:
When I was watching a Steve McQueen movie on TV, I said that he "must have made that before he died.''
When I went to the mayor's mansion in New York City on a hot day, Mayor Lindsay's wife, Mary, said to me, ``You look nice and cool, Yogi.'' I answered, ``You don't look so hot yourself.''
They sent him [Johnnny Bench] a telegram and said, ``Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.'' I don't know who the ``they'' was, but it was signed Yogi Berra.
Feminists are OK, but I wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and realize I'm the only one in the room with balls.
Rita Mae Brown, in _Starting From Scratch_
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
I've decided to go into the music publishing business and have acquired all these titles. I reckon they would best serve as country music songs.
Now all I have to do is find someone to sing them.
"Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares."
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?"
"I Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral."
"I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It"
"I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling."
"I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart."
"I Meant Every Word That He Said"
"I Wanna Whip Your Cow"
"I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town."
"I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yecch!"
"I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win"
"I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy."
"I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him"
"I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate our Home."
"I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life."
"I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here"
"I've Got Four On the Floor and a Fifth Under The Seat"
"I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed 'n' Cryin' Over You."
"If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You"
"If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?"
"If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low"
"If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will"
"It Takes Me All Night Long To Do, What I Used To Do, All Night Long"
"Learning to Live Again is Killing Me."
"My Every Day Silver Is Plastic"
"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus"
"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him"
"Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but Baby I Can See Through You."
"Oh, Lord! It's Hard to be Humble When You're Perfect in Every Way"
"Please Bypass This Heart"
"She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft"
"She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger."
"She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty"
"She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without."
"Swing Wide Your Gate of Love"
"They May Put me in Prison, but They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out."
"When the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, you'll Know it's me."
"You Can't Deal Me All the Aces and Expect Me Not to Play."
"You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat."
"You're Ruining my Bad Reputation."
"You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly"
Wonderful cartoon in The New Yorker years ago. Drunk sitting on couch at big cocktail party. He's talking earnestly to the woman sitting next to him.
Caption reads: But I AM your wife and I DO understand you.
Doubtless you've heard of the prudish amputee, Goody One Shoe.
"I find humility means to be hurt.
It's not the earth the meek inherit, it's the dirt."
The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.
-- Mark Twain
Victory belongs to the most persevering.
-- Napolean Bonaparte
Men are born with two eyes, but only one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
-- Charles Caleb Colton
Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
-- William James
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never wrote to thank her.
I only drink in the event of snakebite, fortunately, I always carry a small snake.
Churches with all the answers don't allow questions.
The raised arse through which conservatives pontificate, while their head is buried in the sand, makes a dandy target.
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.
I used to date a girl who told me that she flunked her first five driving tests. Seems that every time the car stopped, she jumped in the back seat.
"When I go, I want it to be just the same way my grandfather
did...totally asleep and not screaming and crying the way his
Texas bisexual: a man who likes both cattle and sheep.
Democrats cut red tape....LENGTHWISE
On a "one-night stand", who stands?
I just heard the bad news that Lorena Bobbitt had been killed in
an automobile accident. Yes, it's true...some dick cut her off.
A Willowdale OR ordinance forbids profanity during sex.
Are electronic buggers ohmosexual?
Aural sex produces eargasms.
God created sex. Priests created marriage. (Voltaire)
I remember when safe sex referred to a padded headboard.
If you can't give up sex, get married and taper off.
In some, chastity produces pimples; in others, sex laws.
Rural safe sex: painting an "X" on those cows that kick.
The hand is probably the primary sex organ.