If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
Vegetarian: Native American word for "lousy hunter".
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Life's like a bird -- it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough