Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25%, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in
recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of
virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members
and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir
told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in
the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like
this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, where he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize
with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is
now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting
wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able
to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales,
and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect
their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to
the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know
what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.