The South - You Gotta Love It!
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry ?" the
others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry !"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical
help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from
theUniversity of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of
the civilized world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A TennesseeState trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper
asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
South Carolina
The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out his pick- up
truck into the ditch.
The Sheriff Asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't
you see that sign over your head?
"Yep" he replied. "That's Why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says
"Fine for Dumping Garbage".
***
You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Drafing Men over 60 . . .
You've probably seen this before ... but then, you may have also forgotten that you did ... I love the logic!!
Drafting men over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to crack down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 50-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting women over 50 ....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!
Drafting men over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to crack down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 50-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting women over 50 ....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!
Is Sex Work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
Fun with Engineers
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineering student replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper, let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineering student replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper, let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool.
Just like Frank . . .
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."
Birthright Citizenship . . . News Alert
These laws stopping birthright citizenship are long overdue. We must stop giving illegal alien babies free U.S. Citizenship. Its unconstitutional and its wrong. Tomorrow that effort begins thanks to some great state legislators who are taking strong action to protect the citizens of their states.
The press conference will be led by Pennsylvania State Representative Daryl Metcalfe. Metcalfe will be on Fox & Friends at 6:15 am ET tomorrow.
http://www.repmetcalfe.com/NewsItem.aspx?NewsID=10146
40 States working together to stop illegal immigration
http://www.statelegislatorsforlegalimmigration.com/
TOP 5 REASONS THE U.S. MUST END BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP IN 2011
1. The 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was never meant to bestow automatic U.S. citizenship upon the children of illegal aliens and citizens of foreign countries. The current practice of giving U.S. citizenship to illegal alien babies is unconstitutional and illegal and must be stopped by Congress and/or the states.
2. The United States is the last remaining developed nation in the world (along with Canada) that still gives citizenship to babies born of Illegal Aliens and foreign citizens. All other first-world countries have stopped this ridiculous practice for obvious reasons.
3. Anchor Babies are really welfare babies, allowing illegal alien parents to apply for and receive welfare, healthcare, and other U.S. social benefits which can amount to thousands of dollars in "free" money each month for the alien parents, paid for by U.S. taxpayers and costing us many billions of dollars per year.
4. Mainly Mexico, but China, and other countries too are abusing the anchor baby loophole by encouraging their female citizens to give birth in the U.S. Birth Tourism has become a billion dollar industry due to our lax laws. Over half a million anchor babies are born in the U.S. each year. This practice must stop immediately. These babies are citizens of the country of their parents, period.
5. Mexico grants automatic Mexican citizenship to all babies born in the U.S. and anywhere outside Mexico. These babies already have citizenship, Mexican citizenship, and should not be given free U.S. citizenship. The U.S. Government has created millions of new dual citizens who have strong loyalties to Mexico, most of whom will grow up Mexican even though they live in the U.S. This violates the letter and the spirit of U.S. Citizenship laws and oaths, which require loyalty only to the U.S. as a condition of acquiring and maintaining U.S. Citizenship.
More arguments for stopping birthright citizenship by Numbers USA:
http://www.numbersusa.com/content/learn/issues/birthright-citizenship/eliminating-birthright-citizenship-can-be-done.html
Also, HR 1868 in the House needs to be voted on ASAP. It should pass overwhelmingly now. Its a no-brainer. There are absolutely no good reasons to keep giving anchor baby citizenship to millions of illegal aliens.
http://bilbray.house.gov/2010/04/fox-news-bilbray-details-birthright-citizenship-issue.shtml
The press conference will be led by Pennsylvania State Representative Daryl Metcalfe. Metcalfe will be on Fox & Friends at 6:15 am ET tomorrow.
http://www.repmetcalfe.com/NewsItem.aspx?NewsID=10146
40 States working together to stop illegal immigration
http://www.statelegislatorsforlegalimmigration.com/
TOP 5 REASONS THE U.S. MUST END BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP IN 2011
1. The 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was never meant to bestow automatic U.S. citizenship upon the children of illegal aliens and citizens of foreign countries. The current practice of giving U.S. citizenship to illegal alien babies is unconstitutional and illegal and must be stopped by Congress and/or the states.
2. The United States is the last remaining developed nation in the world (along with Canada) that still gives citizenship to babies born of Illegal Aliens and foreign citizens. All other first-world countries have stopped this ridiculous practice for obvious reasons.
3. Anchor Babies are really welfare babies, allowing illegal alien parents to apply for and receive welfare, healthcare, and other U.S. social benefits which can amount to thousands of dollars in "free" money each month for the alien parents, paid for by U.S. taxpayers and costing us many billions of dollars per year.
4. Mainly Mexico, but China, and other countries too are abusing the anchor baby loophole by encouraging their female citizens to give birth in the U.S. Birth Tourism has become a billion dollar industry due to our lax laws. Over half a million anchor babies are born in the U.S. each year. This practice must stop immediately. These babies are citizens of the country of their parents, period.
5. Mexico grants automatic Mexican citizenship to all babies born in the U.S. and anywhere outside Mexico. These babies already have citizenship, Mexican citizenship, and should not be given free U.S. citizenship. The U.S. Government has created millions of new dual citizens who have strong loyalties to Mexico, most of whom will grow up Mexican even though they live in the U.S. This violates the letter and the spirit of U.S. Citizenship laws and oaths, which require loyalty only to the U.S. as a condition of acquiring and maintaining U.S. Citizenship.
More arguments for stopping birthright citizenship by Numbers USA:
http://www.numbersusa.com/content/learn/issues/birthright-citizenship/eliminating-birthright-citizenship-can-be-done.html
Also, HR 1868 in the House needs to be voted on ASAP. It should pass overwhelmingly now. Its a no-brainer. There are absolutely no good reasons to keep giving anchor baby citizenship to millions of illegal aliens.
http://bilbray.house.gov/2010/04/fox-news-bilbray-details-birthright-citizenship-issue.shtml
Tank Killer
I received this email and attachment from a trusted friend; however, I have seen this video before and I think I remember it to have been a demonstration of a military weapon under controlled circumstances; I also believe the "tank" was being driven by remote control.
I could be wrong but just issue the above statement as a caveat. I always hesitate to put full faith in stories that are not attributed to a responsible news agency or commentator. The story below could be true . . . or it could be an embellishment to an already existing video. (My good friend who forwarded it to me is more trusting than I am).
Yours to decide.
What you are about to watch is an actual event. The Israeli Armed Forces filmed this in real time. What you'll see is a fully armored Syrian tank being hit by an Israeli laser-guided, steel-penetrating, phosphorous-filled "hand held" rocket. The rocket is small, very portable and is a tightly controlled weapon. Each one is accounted for when they are checked out and back in. There must be no fewer than 2 soldiers present to verify the use, one must be a senior officer with a minimum of 10 years military service. (Sorry, the name and program is kept secret.)
This tank was headed for one of Israel 's settlements. There were four more tanks one mile to the rear of this tank. They turned around before getting to this area after learning what had happened to the lead tank.
You can hear the ammunition going off after the initial strike. No Syrian tank crew member survived this event and it did not make the news. It is an everyday event for Israel 's Armed Forces and they do not permit the "embedding" of news reporters with their armed forces like we Americans do. This weapon and its tactical use is for their survival, not for "news" entertainment! Perhaps we should take a page from the Israeli Military Handbook.
I could be wrong but just issue the above statement as a caveat. I always hesitate to put full faith in stories that are not attributed to a responsible news agency or commentator. The story below could be true . . . or it could be an embellishment to an already existing video. (My good friend who forwarded it to me is more trusting than I am).
Yours to decide.
What you are about to watch is an actual event. The Israeli Armed Forces filmed this in real time. What you'll see is a fully armored Syrian tank being hit by an Israeli laser-guided, steel-penetrating, phosphorous-filled "hand held" rocket. The rocket is small, very portable and is a tightly controlled weapon. Each one is accounted for when they are checked out and back in. There must be no fewer than 2 soldiers present to verify the use, one must be a senior officer with a minimum of 10 years military service. (Sorry, the name and program is kept secret.)
This tank was headed for one of Israel 's settlements. There were four more tanks one mile to the rear of this tank. They turned around before getting to this area after learning what had happened to the lead tank.
You can hear the ammunition going off after the initial strike. No Syrian tank crew member survived this event and it did not make the news. It is an everyday event for Israel 's Armed Forces and they do not permit the "embedding" of news reporters with their armed forces like we Americans do. This weapon and its tactical use is for their survival, not for "news" entertainment! Perhaps we should take a page from the Israeli Military Handbook.
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