In the spring of 1955, Gypsy Rose Lee’s good friend (and famed milliner) Mr. John showed her his forthcoming spring collection. Lee, having bought one of the hats, deciphered its design, made a dozen copies, and distributed them to her friends as Easter gifts. Shortly thereafter, John happened to see one of his hats, atop one of Lee’s fortunate friends, passing by outside his shop window. He immediately called Lee for an explanation. ‘Oh, John, darling,” she declared. I’m so glad you called. I made a few copies of your marvelous hat and I need some labels. The hats look so naked without them”.The labels soon arrived and Lee dutifully sewed them inside each hat. Their messages? “A Mr. John design, stolen by Gypsy Rose Lee.”
Jack Benny’s wife Mary once lost a beautiful diamond ring during a robbery in a New York hotel. When Benny, in Pittsburgh at the time, learned of the theft (from a reporter), he tried to call Mary several times but was told that she was ‘out’.
When he finally managed to get through to Mary, he asked her where on earth she had been. “At the jeweler’s”, she replied. “looking for another ring.” “What??? At a time like this you’re out shopping for a diamond?” “Sure. It’s like when you fall off a horse.” Mary explained. ‘If you don’t get right back on, you never ride again.”
At the beginning of a children’s sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, ‘That is a very pretty dress, is it your Easter dress?” The girl replied almost directly to the pastor’s clip on mike, ‘Yes, and my mom says it’s a bitch to iron!”
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, ‘Why are you arguing?” One boy answered, ‘We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God have given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, ‘That’s easy, one for the clutch and one for the gas..”
Rodney woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotless and clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he went to the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His son was also at the table eating. Rodney asked,’ Son, what happened last night?” His son said, “Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door. Mom dragged you into the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone. I’m married!”