From The Manitoba Herald
by Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified this week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The results of the recent election is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Ovarian Cancer
I've had several friends die from ovarian cancer. Most of them had had all of these symptoms starting but weren't diagnosed with the cancer until too late. Getting tested EARLY is a real secret to this cancer as you will read below.
The good news is, I've had at least two good friend BEAT ovarian cancer because they caught it early.
Ovarian Cancer Whispers - so listen carefully . .
Watch for Pelvic or abdominal pain or discomfort;
· vague but persistent gastrointestinal upsets such as gas, nausea, and indigestion
· frequency and/or urgency of urination in the absence of an infection;
· unexplained weight gain or weight loss
· pelvic and/or abdominal swelling, bloating and/or feeling of fullness;
· ongoing unusual fatigue;
· unexplained changes in bowel habits.
If symptoms persist for more than 2 weeks, ask your doctor for a combination pelvic/rectal exam, CA-125 blood test, and trans-vaginal ultrasound.
A pap test WILL NOT detect ovarian cancer.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS AND KEEP EDUCATING THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE!
The good news is, I've had at least two good friend BEAT ovarian cancer because they caught it early.
Ovarian Cancer Whispers - so listen carefully . .
Watch for Pelvic or abdominal pain or discomfort;
· vague but persistent gastrointestinal upsets such as gas, nausea, and indigestion
· frequency and/or urgency of urination in the absence of an infection;
· unexplained weight gain or weight loss
· pelvic and/or abdominal swelling, bloating and/or feeling of fullness;
· ongoing unusual fatigue;
· unexplained changes in bowel habits.
If symptoms persist for more than 2 weeks, ask your doctor for a combination pelvic/rectal exam, CA-125 blood test, and trans-vaginal ultrasound.
A pap test WILL NOT detect ovarian cancer.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS AND KEEP EDUCATING THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE!
Mission Impossible Squirrel
This is really cool to watch-
"Mission Impossible Squirrel"
This takes place in deepest East Texas, near Lovelady. The owner of the yard added each piece of the Rube Goldberg contraption slowly so that when the squirrel learned one section and got the nuts, they added another section. Finally, it ended with what you see on the video! It took place over two-months to get to this point.
"Mission Impossible Squirrel"
This takes place in deepest East Texas, near Lovelady. The owner of the yard added each piece of the Rube Goldberg contraption slowly so that when the squirrel learned one section and got the nuts, they added another section. Finally, it ended with what you see on the video! It took place over two-months to get to this point.
Saturday morning . . .
Saturday morning and I just returned from Trixie taking me for a walk. Out into the bitterly cold winter temperature of 51 degrees with 46% humidity and 0 wind. I donned my nice, warm, terrycloth bathrobe, slipped on my Birkenstocks, and we were off . . . .bravely doing battle with California's winter!
She did her business, for which she was properly praised, then she saw some of the neighbor dogs and whimpered and cried to go visit them. She did more than that. She dragged me across the street, just like a sled dog. I had her on a leash but it was her that was controlling, not me. I could have stopped her, had a car approached, but other than that, she was hell bent to go see Buddy, a German Shepherd mix across the road, on a large acreage, but behind a chain link fence. Once reunited they sniffed each other and that was about it.
Then the Shelties started yapping, and Trixie just HAD to go see them. Two Shelties, beautiful dogs, fenced in, were running up and down the fence-line and,once again, I, like the obedient person I am, allowed myself to be drug across the road so Trixie could visit with her other playmates. And, again, they just sniffed each other through the fence and then seemed to lose interest.
Back in to the house we went, hoping to persuade Ms. Evelyn to fix up a fancy breakfast for us both.
What a gal that Evelyn is! You would have been as proud of her as I was last night. Her eldest son, Monty, had a birthday and Evelyn whipped up a surprise birthday party in about an hour and a half. She had already bought the ribbons, signs, balloons, cake, food, etc., but she had to divert Monty away from the house long enough for her to get a party atmosphere decorated. He came by the house (finally!) and then headed for home, where it had been prearranged for his wife to take him out for dinner. At the same time, all eight of their kids descended on the Madison mansion and set to decorating the house. When Monty arrived again, this time with his wife in tow, he was properly surprised.
A great time was had by all. Except me. I'm not much of a party animal so I hid out in my office and got some work done. I had a bite to eat . . . made nice for about 15 minutes . . . and then disappeared. (Evelyn's grandkids sure are loud! They're mostly college and high school kids and they have the loudest laughs I've ever heard this side of Pluto). Mr. Davis does not like a lot of noise.
After a bit I relented and returned to the rather crowded family room. As they all headed outside to attack a pinanta, filled with candies, I stayed inside and visited with Trish, an elegant, beautiful blond, girlfriend of Marty, Evelyn's youngest son. Trish is a class act and I always enjoy seeing her as well as chatting with her. She and Marty make a really attractive couple. Marty is movie star handsome with a great smile (one can only envy his beautiful teeth) and, together, they make quite a match.
In time, the kids (mostly) returned with giggles and sacks full of candy, all of which will no doubt please the local dental profession, and the party began to wind down. Monty had been both surprised and well pleased with his party. I think Evelyn was quite pleased as well . . . and well she should be. She just did a super job (with a little help from the grandkids).
The poor gal was exhausted by the end of the evening so I instructed her to head right for bed . . . the dishes and all would wait till morning. Well, that's not Evelyn. In spite of my strict instructions, she had to tidy up and put things away into the pantry and fridge and all (you see how much weight I carry in this house!). Eventually, however, she did come to bed and fell asleep almost immediately. Kinda thought she would . . . and was pleased to see her get a good night's rest.
She earned it.
Now, it's a new day and more work to be done. Finish reading the morning paper, have a big breakfast, take a nap, and then get busy to accomplish great things.
She did her business, for which she was properly praised, then she saw some of the neighbor dogs and whimpered and cried to go visit them. She did more than that. She dragged me across the street, just like a sled dog. I had her on a leash but it was her that was controlling, not me. I could have stopped her, had a car approached, but other than that, she was hell bent to go see Buddy, a German Shepherd mix across the road, on a large acreage, but behind a chain link fence. Once reunited they sniffed each other and that was about it.
Then the Shelties started yapping, and Trixie just HAD to go see them. Two Shelties, beautiful dogs, fenced in, were running up and down the fence-line and,once again, I, like the obedient person I am, allowed myself to be drug across the road so Trixie could visit with her other playmates. And, again, they just sniffed each other through the fence and then seemed to lose interest.
Back in to the house we went, hoping to persuade Ms. Evelyn to fix up a fancy breakfast for us both.
What a gal that Evelyn is! You would have been as proud of her as I was last night. Her eldest son, Monty, had a birthday and Evelyn whipped up a surprise birthday party in about an hour and a half. She had already bought the ribbons, signs, balloons, cake, food, etc., but she had to divert Monty away from the house long enough for her to get a party atmosphere decorated. He came by the house (finally!) and then headed for home, where it had been prearranged for his wife to take him out for dinner. At the same time, all eight of their kids descended on the Madison mansion and set to decorating the house. When Monty arrived again, this time with his wife in tow, he was properly surprised.
A great time was had by all. Except me. I'm not much of a party animal so I hid out in my office and got some work done. I had a bite to eat . . . made nice for about 15 minutes . . . and then disappeared. (Evelyn's grandkids sure are loud! They're mostly college and high school kids and they have the loudest laughs I've ever heard this side of Pluto). Mr. Davis does not like a lot of noise.
After a bit I relented and returned to the rather crowded family room. As they all headed outside to attack a pinanta, filled with candies, I stayed inside and visited with Trish, an elegant, beautiful blond, girlfriend of Marty, Evelyn's youngest son. Trish is a class act and I always enjoy seeing her as well as chatting with her. She and Marty make a really attractive couple. Marty is movie star handsome with a great smile (one can only envy his beautiful teeth) and, together, they make quite a match.
In time, the kids (mostly) returned with giggles and sacks full of candy, all of which will no doubt please the local dental profession, and the party began to wind down. Monty had been both surprised and well pleased with his party. I think Evelyn was quite pleased as well . . . and well she should be. She just did a super job (with a little help from the grandkids).
The poor gal was exhausted by the end of the evening so I instructed her to head right for bed . . . the dishes and all would wait till morning. Well, that's not Evelyn. In spite of my strict instructions, she had to tidy up and put things away into the pantry and fridge and all (you see how much weight I carry in this house!). Eventually, however, she did come to bed and fell asleep almost immediately. Kinda thought she would . . . and was pleased to see her get a good night's rest.
She earned it.
Now, it's a new day and more work to be done. Finish reading the morning paper, have a big breakfast, take a nap, and then get busy to accomplish great things.
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