Birthday greetings from Joe Cocker. One of the more clever (and enjoyable) captioned videos. In fact, the captions are almost as good as the actual song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4_MsrsKzMM&feature=player_embedded
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Julia Sweeney on Sex Education
Absolutely hilarious!
http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/04/06/wits-sweeney/
http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/04/06/wits-sweeney/
The Phone Call . . .
A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Afghanistan. He called his parents from Germany.
"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."
"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."
"There's something you should know," the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."
"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."
"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."
"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden to us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come on home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."
At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the the military police in Germany. Their son died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide.
The grief-stricken parents flew to Germany and were taken to the base
morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.
The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are.
Perhaps we need to rethink our positions about folks we meet that aren't all that attractive.
"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."
"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."
"There's something you should know," the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."
"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."
"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."
"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden to us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come on home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."
At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the the military police in Germany. Their son died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide.
The grief-stricken parents flew to Germany and were taken to the base
morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.
The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are.
Perhaps we need to rethink our positions about folks we meet that aren't all that attractive.
Ladie's Quotes
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at
once.
Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.
Catherine Aird
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I'm also not blonde.
Dolly Parton
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Linda Ellerbee
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at
once.
Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.
Catherine Aird
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I'm also not blonde.
Dolly Parton
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Linda Ellerbee
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt
The Rx
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the
gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female
pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for
it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000
a month living expenses".
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the
gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female
pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for
it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000
a month living expenses".
Guts and Balls
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Jewish Jeapardy
JEWISH JEOPARDY
THE CATEGORY IS BEING JEWISH
Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked
Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Q: What is the technical t erm for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.
Q! What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.
Q: Define "genius"..
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.
Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz SL600 convertible.
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave.."
One of life's mysteries - how a 2 lb.. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.
The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
A Bar mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to ow n a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
A pill was developed to increase the sexual desire of Jewish women. There is only one side effect. A headache.
THE CATEGORY IS BEING JEWISH
Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked
Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Q: What is the technical t erm for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.
Q! What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.
Q: Define "genius"..
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.
Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz SL600 convertible.
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave.."
One of life's mysteries - how a 2 lb.. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.
The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
A Bar mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to ow n a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
A pill was developed to increase the sexual desire of Jewish women. There is only one side effect. A headache.
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