I have an old friend who retired from the Escondido Police Department as a Lieutenant. He and I 'grew up together' via Little League baseball. He and I were always opposing coaches but got to know and like each other. While I managed the local radio station, he grew a brilliant career in law enforcement. He posts the following commentary, which is probably all to familiar to many of us:
I had to renew my driver license today. I went to a little DMV in Manteca, Ca. because I could get in sooner than the one in the city I live in. I did not expect to be treated in the manner that I was.
Everything was fine until I had my photo taken. The clerk did not take my photo she took one of an old man. Just how she got that guy into my clothes I can't explain. I then took the written exam and all was fine. Then she asked me if I'd like to update the description on my license. She said "It says here your hair is brown, lets put gray there." Then she said "It says here you weigh 210. You haven't seen that in a long time." I said OK, put 220 there.
After I had my temporary license safely in my pocket I told that clerk that she should go back to the doctor who did her sex change operation and get a refund.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tools Explained . . .
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh--!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bi*** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bi***" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh--!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bi*** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bi***" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Update on Estes Park Elk
On 3/24/2011 12:00 PM, Lyle Davis wrote:
> I think the Elk own this town!
>
> YouTube - Showdown In Elk Town - Human Planet, Cities, Preview - BBC One
Kent Ballard responds:
I can testify to the truth of this film. I was in Estes Park, Colorado at the last of March back in '90 or '91. Estes Park is the eastern gateway to the Rocky Mountain National Park and the town looks pretty much like that. The elk have the right of way and the street signs say so. And like all dumb tourists, we got too close to them sometimes and one would snort at us, then we'd suddenly realize this wasn't someone's 600 pound pet dog. When we pulled into our motel parking lot my stepson jumped out of the van and stepped directly into an enormous pile of elk poop. They'd wander the streets, the sidewalks, through intersections, and seemed to pretty much run the place.
When we left the town and made the short drive to the entrance of the park proper, we seemed to leave most of the elk behind. They seemed to enjoy town life more, but there were a few in the park. Personally, I was glad to be rid of them. Trying to watch three kids and a wife in an elk herd is something I was never trained for.
But once we got into the park a couple of miles, we ran into the other form of wildlife that thinks it owns everything--bighorn sheep. They came into the valleys that time of year to graze fresh grass and were every bit as foul-tempered as the elk, more so actually. I've seen sheep on farms and never thought much about them. Rocky Mountain Bighorns are a different animal altogether. The bucks are huge, lightning fast, and they're also in their rutting season. You need to keep an eye out for them and not get too close.
Kent
> I think the Elk own this town!
>
> YouTube - Showdown In Elk Town - Human Planet, Cities, Preview - BBC One
Kent Ballard responds:
I can testify to the truth of this film. I was in Estes Park, Colorado at the last of March back in '90 or '91. Estes Park is the eastern gateway to the Rocky Mountain National Park and the town looks pretty much like that. The elk have the right of way and the street signs say so. And like all dumb tourists, we got too close to them sometimes and one would snort at us, then we'd suddenly realize this wasn't someone's 600 pound pet dog. When we pulled into our motel parking lot my stepson jumped out of the van and stepped directly into an enormous pile of elk poop. They'd wander the streets, the sidewalks, through intersections, and seemed to pretty much run the place.
When we left the town and made the short drive to the entrance of the park proper, we seemed to leave most of the elk behind. They seemed to enjoy town life more, but there were a few in the park. Personally, I was glad to be rid of them. Trying to watch three kids and a wife in an elk herd is something I was never trained for.
But once we got into the park a couple of miles, we ran into the other form of wildlife that thinks it owns everything--bighorn sheep. They came into the valleys that time of year to graze fresh grass and were every bit as foul-tempered as the elk, more so actually. I've seen sheep on farms and never thought much about them. Rocky Mountain Bighorns are a different animal altogether. The bucks are huge, lightning fast, and they're also in their rutting season. You need to keep an eye out for them and not get too close.
Kent
Remember When . . .
Wow! Does this ever hit home! What a beautiful song and matching video.
Enjoy.
You might need a Kleenex for this -- yes it is worth it.
Alan Jackson's song paired with scenes from the movie "Up".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOmZ66lIzJA
Enjoy.
You might need a Kleenex for this -- yes it is worth it.
Alan Jackson's song paired with scenes from the movie "Up".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOmZ66lIzJA
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Blond Mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
My 8.9 Earthquake experience in Japan
A compelling account, forwarded by good friend, Sid Colquitt; the original appears to be from either Irma Wolfe or Linda Triano:
Hi, this is my brother, Randy's experience. He's a flight attendent and
the big earthquake hit while they were boarding. Then he had to fly back
there to pick up US people who are trying to get home. I wish he didn't have
to go back but I guess he will until they get all the people home. Please
keep him in your prayers. Very interesting.
Subj: Japan earthquake
Hi family and friends,
I've been getting a lot of calls from loved ones checking in on me after the
earthquake in Japan. For those of you who know I fly Japan regularly (so
that I can play tennis with my coach and friend, Hiro, at least once a
week!) I thought I would update you on the experience of our flight on
Friday, March 11, 2011.
Beautiful day in Narita. I played tennis with Hiro and he invited a couple
of other friends so that we could play doubles. Got ready for my report at
1:30 PM and took the Radisson bus with the crew to the airport where we
prepped for departure and began to board the plane as we would any other
work day. Full flight, so we started boarding around 2:40 PM.
The 8.9 quake hit at about 2:56 PM, right in the middle of the boarding
process. Business was full and most of the passengers were onboard. Once
we realized what was happening, the last passengers standing in the jetway
ran onboard. They were tripping and stumbling in a rush to get out of the
long jet way that was writhing like a 100 foot snake. It was hard to stand
up when the quake was at its peak.
The initial drama lasted almost 5 minutes. Unheard of in my experience with
earthquakes. They are usually 20 or 30 seconds and feel like minutes. This
one went on forever. Whenever the rocking motion of the plane would stop,
we got more passengers into their seats. Once we had everyone from the
jetway on board, we did our best to convince everyone that the plane was the
safest place to be at this time and in this situation. I really think it
was, too. Think about the stress an airplane withstands on rollout, takeoff
and landing!
The massive quake really moved the plane from side to side and up and down.
You had to squat down or lean on a wall or sit down to stay in one place.
The wings on our plane and the hundreds of others at the NRT airport were
flapping as if we were in extreme turbulence. Before we got any more
passengers on board, officials deemed the terminal unsafe. It was a mess,
sign posts as well as wall and roof panels collapsing, etc. The terminal
was evacuated and an announcement was made that the airport was closed until
Saturday morning.
Some of the other flights around us were deplaning passengers via the jetway
stairs. I assume that they were thinking the quicker they acted, the faster
they would get out of the airport area and find hotels, etc. I've seen that
approach work in the past. But, at the same time, we started seeing groups
of Japanese men huddled inside all of the luggage carts that are linked
together train style and are used to transport luggage to be boarded on
aircraft. These were airport employee ground personnel who had been told to
stay away from the building structure. They climbed in to get out of the
rain that was beginning to fall.
The Captain and I discussed the situation and agreed that the alternative of
getting off the plane to stand around on the tarmac was less appealing than
staying on the plane. We had food, water, drinks and toilets on the plane.
The airport facilities had shut down, there was no phone service and the
food and drink shops were shut down, too. On the plane they could have a
seat, try to use cells phones, although few could complete any phone calls.
Some searched for news on cell phones and computers but internet service was
also sporadic.
The Delta agents in Narita remained on duty but there was little they could
do. They really had nowhere to go and spent much of the time on the plane
with our crew. They had no communication other than their own personal cell
phones. They had arranged hotel rooms and Radisson buses for our crew,
since none of the incoming flights would be able to land and subsequently,
we would get their hotel accommodations. (The incoming Portland flight
diverted and the crew stayed onboard the plane with passengers for 9+ hours)
There were no rooms or transportation for our passengers. No rooms at no
Inns and the trains and highways had been shut down, too.
We knew we were in for a long day so we served everyone a hot meal and
basically ran a continuous beverage service. We played movies and the
entertainment system to keep them occupied. My crew was exceptional,
Roxanne Alviar, Katy Hu, Billy Pao, Janet Bernert, Junko Etherton, Atsuko
Weed and Jennifer Wrast. Friendly, kind, interacting whenever we were
needed. As a crew, we even managed some laughter and comeradery. The poor
agents finally told us that they were hungry, too, and there were no
facilities in the airport where they could get food. So, of course, we gave
them what we could, including the Business Elite mid-service snacks.
Five hours into our wait, a supervisor came on board and asked us how long
it would take for us to be ready for a flight departure. There was a break
in the earthquake after shocks, the runway had been checked and was all
clear and the air traffic controllers, having no where else to go, had
returned to the tower where all equipment checked out. The airport staff
was putting a call out to any planes that were in a position to depart.
Because we kept our passengers on the plane, we were one of only two planes
that got out of Narita, Japan that day.
Yes, the passengers erupted in applause when I announced that we were
preparing for departure. Seats up, seat belts fastened and carry on luggage
securely stowed. And we actually got out of there at about 7:30 PM. So
nice to get home in the early afternoon on Saturday, March 12! I had many
calls and e-mails waiting for me and I appreciate all of you thinking of us
during our Earthquake Experience. Yours, Robb
PS None of us had seen any of the images from the earthquake and tsunami
before we returned home. What a devastating experience for all of our
Japanese friends. We wish them well.
Hi, this is my brother, Randy's experience. He's a flight attendent and
the big earthquake hit while they were boarding. Then he had to fly back
there to pick up US people who are trying to get home. I wish he didn't have
to go back but I guess he will until they get all the people home. Please
keep him in your prayers. Very interesting.
Subj: Japan earthquake
Hi family and friends,
I've been getting a lot of calls from loved ones checking in on me after the
earthquake in Japan. For those of you who know I fly Japan regularly (so
that I can play tennis with my coach and friend, Hiro, at least once a
week!) I thought I would update you on the experience of our flight on
Friday, March 11, 2011.
Beautiful day in Narita. I played tennis with Hiro and he invited a couple
of other friends so that we could play doubles. Got ready for my report at
1:30 PM and took the Radisson bus with the crew to the airport where we
prepped for departure and began to board the plane as we would any other
work day. Full flight, so we started boarding around 2:40 PM.
The 8.9 quake hit at about 2:56 PM, right in the middle of the boarding
process. Business was full and most of the passengers were onboard. Once
we realized what was happening, the last passengers standing in the jetway
ran onboard. They were tripping and stumbling in a rush to get out of the
long jet way that was writhing like a 100 foot snake. It was hard to stand
up when the quake was at its peak.
The initial drama lasted almost 5 minutes. Unheard of in my experience with
earthquakes. They are usually 20 or 30 seconds and feel like minutes. This
one went on forever. Whenever the rocking motion of the plane would stop,
we got more passengers into their seats. Once we had everyone from the
jetway on board, we did our best to convince everyone that the plane was the
safest place to be at this time and in this situation. I really think it
was, too. Think about the stress an airplane withstands on rollout, takeoff
and landing!
The massive quake really moved the plane from side to side and up and down.
You had to squat down or lean on a wall or sit down to stay in one place.
The wings on our plane and the hundreds of others at the NRT airport were
flapping as if we were in extreme turbulence. Before we got any more
passengers on board, officials deemed the terminal unsafe. It was a mess,
sign posts as well as wall and roof panels collapsing, etc. The terminal
was evacuated and an announcement was made that the airport was closed until
Saturday morning.
Some of the other flights around us were deplaning passengers via the jetway
stairs. I assume that they were thinking the quicker they acted, the faster
they would get out of the airport area and find hotels, etc. I've seen that
approach work in the past. But, at the same time, we started seeing groups
of Japanese men huddled inside all of the luggage carts that are linked
together train style and are used to transport luggage to be boarded on
aircraft. These were airport employee ground personnel who had been told to
stay away from the building structure. They climbed in to get out of the
rain that was beginning to fall.
The Captain and I discussed the situation and agreed that the alternative of
getting off the plane to stand around on the tarmac was less appealing than
staying on the plane. We had food, water, drinks and toilets on the plane.
The airport facilities had shut down, there was no phone service and the
food and drink shops were shut down, too. On the plane they could have a
seat, try to use cells phones, although few could complete any phone calls.
Some searched for news on cell phones and computers but internet service was
also sporadic.
The Delta agents in Narita remained on duty but there was little they could
do. They really had nowhere to go and spent much of the time on the plane
with our crew. They had no communication other than their own personal cell
phones. They had arranged hotel rooms and Radisson buses for our crew,
since none of the incoming flights would be able to land and subsequently,
we would get their hotel accommodations. (The incoming Portland flight
diverted and the crew stayed onboard the plane with passengers for 9+ hours)
There were no rooms or transportation for our passengers. No rooms at no
Inns and the trains and highways had been shut down, too.
We knew we were in for a long day so we served everyone a hot meal and
basically ran a continuous beverage service. We played movies and the
entertainment system to keep them occupied. My crew was exceptional,
Roxanne Alviar, Katy Hu, Billy Pao, Janet Bernert, Junko Etherton, Atsuko
Weed and Jennifer Wrast. Friendly, kind, interacting whenever we were
needed. As a crew, we even managed some laughter and comeradery. The poor
agents finally told us that they were hungry, too, and there were no
facilities in the airport where they could get food. So, of course, we gave
them what we could, including the Business Elite mid-service snacks.
Five hours into our wait, a supervisor came on board and asked us how long
it would take for us to be ready for a flight departure. There was a break
in the earthquake after shocks, the runway had been checked and was all
clear and the air traffic controllers, having no where else to go, had
returned to the tower where all equipment checked out. The airport staff
was putting a call out to any planes that were in a position to depart.
Because we kept our passengers on the plane, we were one of only two planes
that got out of Narita, Japan that day.
Yes, the passengers erupted in applause when I announced that we were
preparing for departure. Seats up, seat belts fastened and carry on luggage
securely stowed. And we actually got out of there at about 7:30 PM. So
nice to get home in the early afternoon on Saturday, March 12! I had many
calls and e-mails waiting for me and I appreciate all of you thinking of us
during our Earthquake Experience. Yours, Robb
PS None of us had seen any of the images from the earthquake and tsunami
before we returned home. What a devastating experience for all of our
Japanese friends. We wish them well.
The Attorney
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!”
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!”
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