LATE BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPN

The sports world was shocked this morning when news leaked out that the San Diego Chargers are working on a 'secret weapon' for this year's season and their quest to be part of, and win, the upcoming Super Bowl.

The reason for the shock? It has been leaked that the San Diego Chargers intend on replacing their all star quarterback, Philip Rivers, with a more mature gentleman . . . 71 year-old lyle e davis (that's how he spells his name. He's eccentric), of nearby Escondido, California.

A doubting public may be surprised at the comments of some of the big, beefy linemen as well as other running backs and wide receivers:

Outside linebacker, Antoine Applewhite: "Man, that some speedy dude. He look old but he fast. And he big, too. 225 lbs. You see him comin' atchoo and you thinks, "I gonna lay this man flat," and he either run right over you and knock you flat on yo' backside . . . or he give you a leg to tackle . . . and then he take it away."

Tight End, Antonio Gates: "That man, L'yall, he throws the ball like a rocket . . . fast and accurate. I'm tall, so he knows right where to put it . . . where I can outjump my opponents and take the ball away. The old gentleman . . . he looks harmless, but he's somethin' else."

Corner Back, Antoine Cason: "Well, I likes to, you know, play the game and, you know, the ol' man, that's wha we call him,' he, you know, like to play the game too. He run, you know, real fas' and you doan know, you know, iffen he gonna thow the effin' ball or jes ten' like, you know, he gonna thow it and then tuck it in and run like a, you know, gazelle, or maybe a pony, and, you know, elude us. He fas' . . .like, you know, grease lightnin' . . ."

Head Coach, Norv Turner: "Well, we've decided to sit Philip Rivers down for a few games this year. I'm sure he'll get back in now and then as Mr. Davis will most likely need a breather now and then. After all, at 71 years of age, you can't expect him to play a full game. He just showed up as a walk-on one day and we decided to humor him and let him throw a few balls and to take a few snaps.
Well! He made believers out of us after about 15 minutes. The guy is fast, elusive, has a strong and accurate arm, he certainly has maturity . . and with maturity comes good judgment. Though he has only played sandlot football . . . he's an avid student of the game and he clearly knows his stuff.

We think his age and maturity will lead us to the Super Bowl."

As to the 'secret weapon' himself? A modest lyle e davis had this to say . . . "well, it's something I've always wanted to do. Play professional football. True, I have a little hip problem with some sciatica . . . but that's what trainers are for, and whirlpool baths, and massages . . . I'll be fine. I'll go out and give it my all and just pretend I'm playing for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That will push me to whatever greatness I'm destined for. And, yes, I do have an arthritic right shoulder . . . that's why I had to learn how to throw a football all over again, left-handed. But Miss evelyn, she said I could do anything I set my mind to, and by golly, it looks she's right. I'm ready to strap on the pads and go out and beat the pudding out of the San Diego Charger opponents this year."

Turner says he probably won't play Davis in the exhibition games. He wants to save him for 'when the games really count.'

A skeptical sports world is taking a wait and see attitude; to which Coach Norv Turner says . . . "what do they really know? They're just a bunch of doody-heads anyway."