The National Anthem . . .

Here's a guy we see way too little of. I've always thought he was one of the better comics/humorists/comedians . . . his name? Albert Brooks. Here, in his younger years, from the old Flip Wilson Show . . . a great send-up.

Enjoy this witty mind:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7JBrN_R6es&feature=player_embedded#

Chinese Story

Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate
To the United States.In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their
names To American standards:

Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck.
Fu and Su decided to stay in China

The best "out of office" messages

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.*

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Lucille" instead of Lyle.

Terrorist Threats

Terrorist Threat Level Escalations by Country ....

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels inFrance are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the southern hemisphere .....

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Singing With the Lutherans

My mean old cousin, Doug Leverenz (who has a German name but is every bit as Norwegian as I am, seeing as how his mom and my mom were twin sisters and were pure Norwegian) - [the name Davis is Welsh but I'm mostly Norsk] sent me an email in which he says the following, knowing that I am a the next thing to a heathen:

Just wanted you to see how us Lutherans will take care of you when your time comes. Ve vill have coffee and cake and some lefsa if it is the right time of the year and we will all sing several hymns too.

With the above note, he attached the following:

SINGING
WITH THE LUTHERANS

by Garrison Keillor

I have made fun of Lutherans for years - who wouldn't, if you lived in Minnesota? But I have also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main joys of life, along with
hot baths and fresh sweet corn.

We make fun of Lutherans for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear
of giving offense, their lack of speed and also for their secret fondness for
macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like they do.

If you ask an audience in New York City, a relatively Lutheranless place, to sing along
on the chorus of 'Michael Row the Boat Ashore, they will look daggers at you
as if you had asked them to strip to their under-wear. But if you do this among
Lutherans they'll smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down
the road!

Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony. It's a talent
that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and
hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person's rib cage. It's natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony. We're too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling moment.

I once sang the bass line of Children of the Heavenly Father in a room with
about three thousand Lutherans in it; and when we finished we all had tears in
our eyes, partly from the promise that God will not forsake us, partly from the
proximity of all those lovely voices By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.

I do believe this: These Lutherans are the sort of people you could call up
when you're in deep distress. If you're dying they'll comfort you. If you're
lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you're hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!

The following list was compiled by a 20th century Lutheran who, observing other
Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw or heard:

1. Lutherans believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out
loud.
2. Lutherans like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn
with more than four stanzas.
3. Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they
don't notify them that they are there.
4. Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way
of suffering for their sins.
5. Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during
their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
6. Lutherans feel that applauding for their children's choirs would make the
kids too proud and conceited.
7. Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while
passing the peace.
8. Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
9. Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LC-MS groom make for
a mixed marriage. (For those of you who are not Lutherans, ELCA is Evangelical
Lutheran Church in America and LC-MS is Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, two different divisions of the same Protestant religion. And when and where I grew
up in Minnesota, intermarriage between the two was about as popular as
Lutherans and Catholics marrying.)
10. Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding
reception in the Fellowship Hall.
11. Lutherans are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
12. Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.
13. Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the
season and think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole add a little too much color.
14. Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take
themselves too seriously

And finally, you know you're a Lutheran when:

*It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the
service;
*You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you
can;
*Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee;
*When you watch a 'Star Wars' movie and they say, 'May the Force be with you',
you respond, 'and also with you';
*And lastly, it takes 15 minutes to say, 'Good-bye'.

May you wake each day with His blessings, Sleep each night
in His keeping, And always walk in His tender care.

The Dog Droppings, however, are perfectly safe . . .

Don't Mess With Old Folks

A young executive and an elderly man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The executive thinks that old people are dumb and that he could get easily fool this one.

So the executive asks the elderly man if would like to play a fun game. The man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The young executive persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the elderly man's attention and to keep the young executive quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The executive asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The elderly man doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the young executive.

Now, it's the elderly man's turn. He asks the executive, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The executive uses his laptop to search all possible references, which is extensive, considering his profession. After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the elderly man and hands him $500. The man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The young executive is terribly frustrated because he still doesn’t know the answer. So he wakes the elderly man and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The elderly man reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with old folks.

Letters to the President . . .

"KID'S LETTERS to the PRESIDENT"

** Dear Mr. President: How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. Timothy U., age 7,Jamestown, NY

** Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president. Richard D., age 8, Greenwich, CT

** Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans. A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8, Atlanta, GA

** What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot.Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT

** Dear Mr. President: Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. Elizabeth P., age 8, Seattle, WA

** What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL

** Do you go to church on Sunday? I hope so because my mother says our country needs all the help we can get from God. Melissa, age 9, La Fayette, IN

** I hope I can be president someday but my mother says first I should get a real job and work. Jerome F., age 7, New York, NY

** I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about. Tracey O., age 10, Green Valley, AZ

** My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years. Peter N., age 7, Bismarck, ND

** Dear Mr. President: What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you. Joey P., age 8, Erie, PA

** I knew you would win the election when my best friend Amy said you would lose. Amy is always wrong. Julie P., age 9, Exeter, RI

** On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer if classified, I wouldn't be in trouble. Martin J., age 9, Philadelphia, PA

** Dear Mr. President: My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer before we are 18. Thank you, Ryan C., age 12, Philadelphia, PA

** I've been practicing piano for two years and I hate it and I am awful. My mom said President Nixon played piano. I think two years of being a bad player is enough. Please write my mom and tell her. She likes you most of the time. Melissa E., age 10, Shaker Heights, OH

** And finally a young man who is wise beyond his years.....Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets. Michael P., age 8, San Diego,Ca

Nightly Bedtime Thoughts

I was deeply impressed by memo concerning the dyslexic sinner who sold his soul to Santa. It reminded me of the dyslexic agnostic who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

The Psychiatrist . . .

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.

"May I help you?" politely inquires the the psychiatrist.

"Yeah," says the duck. "Get this guy off my butt!

On Beer . . .

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.--W.C. Fields

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.--Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.--Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

All right, brain; I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.--Homer Simpson

Good ol' Ma . . .

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

In the Capitol . . .

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C.

He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going
to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while
I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of
the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But
listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust
you anyway..."

My New Career

I have actually made an executive decision.

I'm gonna continue publishing The Paper, but I'm gonna check myself into, and work from, a local retirement home and, as a sideline, become a gigolo to the lovely, and often wealthy, ladies who live there.

I expect I'll be in my newly assigned room about four hours before I start getting casseroles delivered to my room to welcome me. (I took notice of this phenomenon when several of my contemporaries had their wives pull a quick disappearing act on them and up and died. The very next morning a long line of loving and caring little old ladies all showed up with casseroles. All of these little old ladies were widows, divorcees or spinsters).

I rather imagine, once I get all dolled up in my nifty powder blue leisure suit, my white shoes and my matching white belt, and slick down my hair with lots of sweet smelling pomade, and practice my most seductive smile . . . that I will soon earn the title of "The Tiger Woods of North San Diego County."

Of course, Evelyn may not approve.


Received several comments on my new career as gigolo to wealthy retired women in retirement homes, chief of which was from old friend (and brilliant writer) Kent Ballard:

Tell her (Evelyn) you're working undercover on an expose of women in retirement homes who are addicted to chewing tobacco. Tell her of the sour-pussed old women who have brown drool running down their chins, staining their dresses, and smelling up entire facilities. Make them sound so haggard and loathsome that Evelyn wouldn't go near one on a bet. Make sure she sees you packing lots of Alka-Seltzer for your stomach and Vicks Vapo-Rub to dab under your nose. She'll stay away from those places like they were plague houses, while you molest and pillage to your heart's content.

Then make up a horrible-sounding medical condition to tell the nice old ladies in the homes so you won't have to eat their godawful casseroles, but that your doctor recommended drinking vast amounts of alcohol to kill the rampant bacteria in your knees. Soon they'll drop the casseroles and be bringing you half-gallon jugs of booze, which you can kindly share with them--then loot 'em for all they're worth. Thank them ever so much for bringing you the expensive liquor so your knees don't get so infected you become crippled while your pour them another one and tell them their diamond earrings really don't match the beauty of their eyes and the old gals will yank them off immediately, putting them on a table just before they pass out with a smile on their face. Call room service to have them removed, and if they come lurching back several days later after recovering from the first hangover they've had in sixty years tell them they must be mistaken. You've never seen them before.

Unless she's wearing an emerald necklace that would choke a Tyrannosaur.

In that case, repeat.

Kent

From Jim Kuden:

Good for you Lyle -- when you get settled -- ask Evelyn to call me -- I have a very rich friend I would like her to meet.

Oh yes -- send me what you are drinking --- maybe I`ll join you -- after I ask Pat first of course.

From George Lentulo:

I love you. And Evelyn too.

From Bob Niderost:

I'd buy stock in Pfizer (http://www.pfizer.com) and see if they will send you lots of samples of their "little blue pill." Evelyn may not mind as much.

From Sid Colquitt:

Worst decision you'll make! Beware of little old blue haired widows bearing gifts of glutenous delights. Beyond those beguiling toothless smiles is an evil plan to bury you in endless honey-do's.

The Fishing Dog

Underwear Cops

Meet Walter

The Night Before Christmas

Stamps

You Might Be a Redneck . . .

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care..

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.