A Potpourri of Humor

New Proverbs

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out
of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

*************

Husband Quotes :
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
____________
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
____________
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.
____________
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
____________
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor
man has rested.
____________
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
____________
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
____________
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on
Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
___________
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-law.
____________
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
____________
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife
Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
____________
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
____________
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
____________
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to
get laundry done for free.
____________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
____________
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
____________
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
____________
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know
son, I'm still paying."

**************

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and,
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . what?
Oh, man, this is so bad it's good . . .


A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

**************

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4:00

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch television.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You send money to PBS.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather
Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable
size.
**************

ADVICE

When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a
full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it.
Sure it's uncomfortable. But it makes you look just like his
remote control.

***********

"I used to eat a lot better back when Ronald Reagan was
president."

"Oh... So you think times were better back then?"

"No... I had my own teeth."
********

Success (in a nutshell).......... A GOOD EXPLANATION

At age 4, success is: not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is: having friends.
At age 20, success is: having sex.
At age 35, success is: making money.
At age 60, success is: having sex.
At age 70, success is: having friends.
At age 80, success is: not peeing your pants

****************

The Four Kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship,you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, "FUCK YOU!"

*****************

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a
pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch;
it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but
since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford
that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
"Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door
today, your wife greeted him in a nightie that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your wife's crotch and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then she took off the nightie, got down on her knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I
got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

**************

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines.



"It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this
Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


"Well, then," she says, "Would you mind getting the hell off me? I'm really STARVING!"

**************

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He hears a tiny voice
say, "Nice tie." He looks around but sees nothing. He takes another sip when he hears,
"Nice hat, too."

He quickly puts down the beer, but there's no one around, so he asks the bartender, "I keep hearing a tiny voice saying nice things, what's going on?"

The bartender nods and says, "Oh, it's the peanuts. They're
complimentary."

**************

Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.


"Carmen," she replied.



That's a nice name," he said warming up the
conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly
into his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Beerfuck."

***************

On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.


I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.


I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.



I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."



I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.



I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.



I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.



I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that
even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.



I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.


*****************

Female Comebacks

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life -- in your wildest
dreams.

****************

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.


The doc comes in and tells the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the
bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first
sip of alcohol.


Swoooop! - A torso pops out!


The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.


The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.


The patrons chant "Take another drink!"


But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.


Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.


The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right...through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!


The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.


The bartender sighs and says...


"That boy should have quit while he was a head!"
************

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just plain
old lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

*************

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

~~~ Did you hear about the Instant lotto game in India? You scratch the card, and if the dot on the card matches the one on your head, you win a convenience store in the US....

**************

A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and
down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.

"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the
fastest...."

***************

"Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville."

"Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany."

"Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because
I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago."

"Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma."

"Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when
it was finished. Ralph. Age 11, Akron."

**************

A young man goes off to college, but about a third of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.


"Hmmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea and calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"


"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."


So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.


"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.



"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to read!"



"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"



"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."



So hisfather sends the money.


At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. And he can't decide what to do about it. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I
just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"



"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicked back in the recliner reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your dad still messing' around with that little redhead who
lives on Oak Street?'

"The father yells, "Oh, shit! I hope you SHOT that
son-of-a-bitch!"



"Sure did, Dad!

*************

This nice old Jewish lady went decided to buy a parrot so she
went to the store and bought one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the parrot up and went to temple. The parrot seemed fine but when the rabbi went to bless the congregation,the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

The woman,completely appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out. Well, the parrot seemed fine for the next week so once again, on Friday she and the parrot got dressed up and went to temple. Like the previous week, the parrot was fine until the rabbi went to bless the congregation at which point the parrot, once again screamed out "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

Once again, the lady was appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out of temple. She decided to confront the man at the pet store to see what was going on.

The clerk at the pet store said, "You gotta show the parrot who's boss so here is what you do. The next time he does this, grab him by his legs and swing him around your head a few times. That should teach him a lesson."

That Friday night they once again got dressed up and went to
temple. Like the previous two weeks, when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin' cold in here!"

The lady, remembering what the clerk said, grabbed the parrot by its legs and swung it around her head a few times. When she was done, the parrot looked at her and screamed out, "and fuckin' windy too!"

***************

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do you actually spill Scotch on the carpet?

************

Congress Approves Americans With No Abilities Act

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Obama shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own-- do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Obama, a longtime ANA supporter.

"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling out mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance- based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to
hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire
one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."


With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, unessential citizens can
finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Obama: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human
beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take
up in this great nation."

************

An Angel wrote:

****

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania.


As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small
vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them
through the windshield.

"Oh mercy," shouts Sister Mary Agnes. "What should we do?"

Sister Mary Vincent replies, "Turn on the windshield wipers-that will get rid of the abomination."

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water from the
Vatican's gift shop," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and leans out, shouting, "Get the fuck off our car!"

****

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Exercise is such a bad word, that, whenever I say it, I
immediately wash out my mouth with chocolate!

**************

Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and
now I don't know what he looks like.

***************

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.