Chuckles

Stupid Questions With the Smart Answers

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

1) Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

2) Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it."

3) Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher."

4) Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher: "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam: "It's a family tradition."
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher."
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Sam: "She's a woman."

7) Tom: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated."

8) Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student: "Brotherly love."

9) Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly: do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died."

11) Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."



I live in Tulsa , Oklahoma , and recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wants to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal,' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me..

•••••

I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Ohio River this morning about 8:20 A.M. As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.

•••••

It is a slow day in the small Nebraska town of Pumphandle, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

•••••

A man brought his wife a glass of water and two aspirins.
She looked surprised and said, 'I don't have a headache!"

He said, Aha!"
. . . .

GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE:

"Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled threee radical Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, six illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, two rappers, five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, nine teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, ten flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME ...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!"