Ole and Lena and Lars

Ole, Lena, and Lars
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena , "I don't want to go dat fast, I tink I'll youst take da bus."
***
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had sued for non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife 400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge" said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

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***
A waitress asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained the waitress.

***
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

***
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No."

***
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. You just say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale'."

***
"Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"
After Sven replied, "I don't know,"
Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

***
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars..
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

***
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

***
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn' Valter."

***
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka , Minnesota .
The policeman, who was good friend of Ole', said, "Ole What in the worlld are you doing? Where are your clothes? You'e naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'swinger' Sven's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!" So vee all go into the bedroom den he yells, Everybody git nakked!' Vel, vee all got undressed Den he yells, Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here."

***
Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleyes. He had two buckets of fish.
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into der buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!"
"What fish?"

***
To those in North Dakota , Minnesota , and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada , I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE......BIN LOGGIN'!"