This will change your mind about riding roller coasters!
Pay attention to the left side of the cars. Almost a tragedy!!
This video is not for the faint of heart.
How sad was this?
Warning: two fall out during roller coaster ride.
Monday, January 31, 2011
More on the Doolittle Raid . . .
Recently, we ran a cover stroy on the Doolittle Raid into Japan. See: http://thecommunitypaper.com/archive/2010/12_23/index.php
One of my correspondents passed the following video along which ties in nicely with that story . . . and tells 'the rest of the story."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgt8PMoRGG8&featur
One of my correspondents passed the following video along which ties in nicely with that story . . . and tells 'the rest of the story."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgt8PMoRGG8&featur
My Kind of Teacher
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
SEMPER FI!
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
SEMPER FI!
An addictive golf game . . .
Go to this link and I promise, even if you're not a golfer, you won't be able to stop.
Watch Out for #18
(Damn straight! I was doing great till that damned hole!)
http://www.ibogleif.dk/spil/flashspil/minigolf/minigolf.swf
Watch Out for #18
(Damn straight! I was doing great till that damned hole!)
http://www.ibogleif.dk/spil/flashspil/minigolf/minigolf.swf
Sunday, January 30, 2011
13 Things a Burglar Won't Tell You
13 THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU
I am particularly interested in the part about the wasp spray...
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house.. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it athttp://www.faketv/.com/)
8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.
4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.
7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.
Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs http://www.crimedoctor.com/ and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job.
Protection for you and your home:
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you.
WASP SPRAY
A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection.. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.
FROM ANOTHER SOURCE:
On the heels of a break-in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self-defense experts have a tip that could save your life.
Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.
Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."
Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says, "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray.
"That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life.
I am particularly interested in the part about the wasp spray...
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house.. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it athttp://www.faketv/.com/)
8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.
4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.
7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.
Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs http://www.crimedoctor.com/ and
Protection for you and your home:
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you.
WASP SPRAY
A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection.. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.
FROM ANOTHER SOURCE:
On the heels of a break-in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self-defense experts have a tip that could save your life.
Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.
Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."
Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says, "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray.
"That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life.
Mexican HIway Massacre. WARNING: Very graphic
Imagine just driving down a highway in Mexico and coming upon this grizzly scene. See attached video.
This is what Mexico has become in 2011. This is the gruesome reality in Mexico that most Americans still don't understand. A completely failed narco-state with unrivaled terrorism and brutal killings every day. Keep in mind, the Bush/Obama open border policies of the past 10 years have greatly contributed to this genocide and daily horror next door.
Even the tourist resort areas are not safe from cartel violence and crime. And of course a lot of this brutal drug cartel killing is now happening on the U.S. side of the border too and its going to get a lot worse if we don't deal with this crisis now! We must secure our borders and fight the foreign cartels on our soil as well as on the border, and across the border when necessary to protect our homeland.
This is what Mexico has become in 2011. This is the gruesome reality in Mexico that most Americans still don't understand. A completely failed narco-state with unrivaled terrorism and brutal killings every day. Keep in mind, the Bush/Obama open border policies of the past 10 years have greatly contributed to this genocide and daily horror next door.
Even the tourist resort areas are not safe from cartel violence and crime. And of course a lot of this brutal drug cartel killing is now happening on the U.S. side of the border too and its going to get a lot worse if we don't deal with this crisis now! We must secure our borders and fight the foreign cartels on our soil as well as on the border, and across the border when necessary to protect our homeland.
A video collection of Country - kinda funny
http://www.theboot.com/2011/01/28/funny-music-videos/?icid=main%7Chtmlws-main-n%7Cdl2%7Csec1_lnk1%7C197979
The tv weather gal from Atlanta, GA.
To those of us who grew up in the mid-west . . . or on the east coast where they have REAL snow and REAL blizzards . . . this is hilarious.
One can only imagine what this weather gal would say if she were broadcasting from that type of climate.
She definitely is a rather unique weather gal . . . enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N1Im1xbjWQ
One can only imagine what this weather gal would say if she were broadcasting from that type of climate.
She definitely is a rather unique weather gal . . . enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N1Im1xbjWQ
Saturday, January 29, 2011
GB Quarterback Aaron Rodgers - "Save Me a Spot"
Go Packers!
This is written by a sports anchor from Fox 6 in Milwaukee. It doesn't get any better than this.
"Save Me a Spot"
This job affords me some incredible opportunities. Being a member of the FOX 6 Sports team means I've been able to witness and report on events and people that many can only admire from a distance. I never take these situations for granted and sincerely appreciate being involved in whatever capacity each permits.
Monday marked just the most recent case as I had the unparalleled privilege to be a part of Aaron Rodgers charity event to benefit the MACC Fund, a charity towards eradicating childhood cancer and blood disorders. Scattered throughout the crowd of rabid Packers aficionados, were the people who I consider the event's real MVPs. They are the families who've been forced to deal with one of life's toughest sentences – the loss of a child.
Those who sprung for the tickets were not disappointed. In a world where many athletes regurgitate canned and rehearsed responses, the Packers quarterback was refreshingly candid. Aaron addressed a number of topics with in-depth, honest reaction - even some that if reprinted and mass distributed might raise some eyebrows.
Aaron stressed the importance of availability and accountability. In his opinion, it is a player's responsibility to attend all of the team activities as they are all intended to better the team as a whole. And then, similarly, he addressed the importance of taking the heat/criticism when one falls short of expectations and duties.
He is never nervous to take the field. Aaron is supremely confident in the preparation he's put in during the week leading up to Sunday's match up. The way the 2009 season ended was disappointing but his self-confidence was not affected by the outcome. One of the toughest realizations was that that combination of players would never take the field together again. He likened the team to a family and admitted that conflict can and does occasionally exist but they try to handle such situations with maturity and civility.
He talked music and his love for tunes at a young age revealing that his mom used to sing and play lullabies and country music when he was a child. Aaron's record label Suspended Sunrise is a product of this passion but also a contingency plan for life after football. His favorite song is Ben Harper's 'Forever' and he's envious of John Mayer's guitar skills though not his tabloid reputation. He appreciated my affinity for Keith Urban but gave the audience a thumbs-down when I mentioned fellow country crooner Kenny Chesney.
His favorite book is The Bible and he tries to read it every day not just when life's challenges and struggles surface.
His favorite movie is The Princess Bride which he admits he's caught flack for but says he and his childhood friends can recite every line from the film and it is simply a great story.
Rodgers' answers to questions on this night were certainly admirable. And I honestly didn't think I could respect Aaron more. But I was wrong.
My friend, the father of that young girl who passed, was there that night. He was one of several attendees brought up on stage where he caught a football thrown by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.
He asked Aaron to sign the football he'd caught. He wondered if he'd make it out to his daughter. It isn't shocking that Rodgers obliged. What caught me off guard was the dedication he made. It wasn't until after Aaron left that I first saw the autograph... and the simple yet sweet message that brought tears to this father's eyes:
"To Cheri the angel. Save me a spot. - Aaron Rodgers"
I hope that Packers fans realize how lucky they are to have such an upstanding young man leading their team on the field every weekend. I hope they appreciate the challenges that were thrust upon him and acknowledge the maturity with which he handled them. I hope they stand behind the kid and respect him not only for his incredible talent but for his intelligence and honesty, poise and compassion.
My job has afforded me the chance to watch Aaron Rodgers play football for the last few seasons. But I am truly thankful for the opportunity to see the other side of this impressive young man. And pass on some of what I witnessed to you.
This is written by a sports anchor from Fox 6 in Milwaukee. It doesn't get any better than this.
"Save Me a Spot"
This job affords me some incredible opportunities. Being a member of the FOX 6 Sports team means I've been able to witness and report on events and people that many can only admire from a distance. I never take these situations for granted and sincerely appreciate being involved in whatever capacity each permits.
Monday marked just the most recent case as I had the unparalleled privilege to be a part of Aaron Rodgers charity event to benefit the MACC Fund, a charity towards eradicating childhood cancer and blood disorders. Scattered throughout the crowd of rabid Packers aficionados, were the people who I consider the event's real MVPs. They are the families who've been forced to deal with one of life's toughest sentences – the loss of a child.
Those who sprung for the tickets were not disappointed. In a world where many athletes regurgitate canned and rehearsed responses, the Packers quarterback was refreshingly candid. Aaron addressed a number of topics with in-depth, honest reaction - even some that if reprinted and mass distributed might raise some eyebrows.
Aaron stressed the importance of availability and accountability. In his opinion, it is a player's responsibility to attend all of the team activities as they are all intended to better the team as a whole. And then, similarly, he addressed the importance of taking the heat/criticism when one falls short of expectations and duties.
He is never nervous to take the field. Aaron is supremely confident in the preparation he's put in during the week leading up to Sunday's match up. The way the 2009 season ended was disappointing but his self-confidence was not affected by the outcome. One of the toughest realizations was that that combination of players would never take the field together again. He likened the team to a family and admitted that conflict can and does occasionally exist but they try to handle such situations with maturity and civility.
He talked music and his love for tunes at a young age revealing that his mom used to sing and play lullabies and country music when he was a child. Aaron's record label Suspended Sunrise is a product of this passion but also a contingency plan for life after football. His favorite song is Ben Harper's 'Forever' and he's envious of John Mayer's guitar skills though not his tabloid reputation. He appreciated my affinity for Keith Urban but gave the audience a thumbs-down when I mentioned fellow country crooner Kenny Chesney.
His favorite book is The Bible and he tries to read it every day not just when life's challenges and struggles surface.
His favorite movie is The Princess Bride which he admits he's caught flack for but says he and his childhood friends can recite every line from the film and it is simply a great story.
Rodgers' answers to questions on this night were certainly admirable. And I honestly didn't think I could respect Aaron more. But I was wrong.
My friend, the father of that young girl who passed, was there that night. He was one of several attendees brought up on stage where he caught a football thrown by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.
He asked Aaron to sign the football he'd caught. He wondered if he'd make it out to his daughter. It isn't shocking that Rodgers obliged. What caught me off guard was the dedication he made. It wasn't until after Aaron left that I first saw the autograph... and the simple yet sweet message that brought tears to this father's eyes:
"To Cheri the angel. Save me a spot. - Aaron Rodgers"
I hope that Packers fans realize how lucky they are to have such an upstanding young man leading their team on the field every weekend. I hope they appreciate the challenges that were thrust upon him and acknowledge the maturity with which he handled them. I hope they stand behind the kid and respect him not only for his incredible talent but for his intelligence and honesty, poise and compassion.
My job has afforded me the chance to watch Aaron Rodgers play football for the last few seasons. But I am truly thankful for the opportunity to see the other side of this impressive young man. And pass on some of what I witnessed to you.
A Test for Older Folks . .
I got all 20 . . . but I'm an old fart:
SEMI-OLD PEOPLE'S MEMORY TEST...
This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. This one will be very difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line and let them know your score. Good luck youngsters!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered
4. Good night David.
A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve
5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob
Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights
a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my !
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television
commercial wearing women's stockings.
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
13. Brylcream.
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya
14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by:
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles.
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who...
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?
18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV
20. What do M&M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors
Below are the right answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
DONT' FORGET TO PUT YOUR SCORE ON THE SUBJECT LINE BEFORE YOUR FORWARD IT ON.
SEMI-OLD PEOPLE'S MEMORY TEST...
This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. This one will be very difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line and let them know your score. Good luck youngsters!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered
4. Good night David.
A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve
5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob
Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights
a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my !
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television
commercial wearing women's stockings.
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
13. Brylcream.
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya
14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by:
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles.
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who...
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?
18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV
20. What do M&M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors
Below are the right answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
DONT' FORGET TO PUT YOUR SCORE ON THE SUBJECT LINE BEFORE YOUR FORWARD IT ON.
David Frye, RIP
And another funny man has died. There was a time when David Frye was the uncontested king of political impressions. His Nixon was the one to beat and I don't think anyone ever did. Nor could they top his Lyndon Johnson, his George Wallace or (especially) his William F. Buckley. That he could replicate the voices was not as impressive as the way he could somehow scrunch his face and shoulders to make himself look like the person he was doing.
He told others that it was only about the face and expression with him; that he spent very little time trying to learn anyone's voice. If he could get the face right, he would automatically sound like the person. His modus operandi required a mirror for practice. If he worked a club that didn't have a dressing room with a mirror, he could be found before his performance in the men's room, rehearsing in front of the one they had in there. And if there wasn't one available to him, he was likely to walk out and go home.
In his jacket pocket, he always carried photos — usually torn sloppily out of newspapers — of the people he did. Once on The Merv Griffin Show, Merv unexpectedly asked him to do his Al Capp impression and Frye froze up. He couldn't do Capp out of nowhere so he turned away from the camera as much as possible in a seated position, pulled a wad of photos out of his pocket and began riffling through, looking for Capp. Puzzled, Merv asked, "What are those?" And Frye, a bit embarrassed, muttered, "I look at pictures of them."
Then he found his Al Capp photo, locked onto the face and instantly turned into Al Capp. It was a bit scary at times. No other impressionist could crawl inside his subjects quite as thoroughly...but no other impressionist seemed like he was utterly possessed by them.
I can't fully explain why his career took such a plunge in the late seventies and eighties. This obit suggests it was because he couldn't survive the loss of Nixon and L.B.J. as primary targets. Maybe...but others came along who were as ripe for mocking and Frye didn't rise to those occasions. I suspect it was something deeper within him, coupled with a decreasing marketplace for impressionists. Mimics like Rich Little, Frank Gorshin and John Byner all managed to work often as character actors...but David Frye only did imitations.
I would end this by saying, "He will be missed" but I think he already has been...for years.
Here's a clip of him on the Smother's Brothers Show on CBS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jzOQh-LzyE
Traveler Complains
From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
7. "The beach was too sandy."
8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."
14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."
15. "The roads were uneven.."
16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
7. "The beach was too sandy."
8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."
14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."
15. "The roads were uneven.."
16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
A felon in your neighborhood?
Type in a street name at the top of the form & your whole neighborhood
map will pop up.
If you see a red balloon or thumb tack, it is the home of a convicted felon.
Mouse over an icon & not only will the name come up, but also the crime they were convicted of.
friends . . . safety first.
http://www.felonspy.com/search.html
map will pop up.
If you see a red balloon or thumb tack, it is the home of a convicted felon.
Mouse over an icon & not only will the name come up, but also the crime they were convicted of.
friends . . . safety first.
http://www.felonspy.com/search.html
Friday, January 28, 2011
The right to bare . . . um, bear arms . . .
Vermont State Rep. Fred Maslack has read the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, as well as Vermont 's own Constitution very carefully, and his strict interpretation of these documents is popping some eyeballs in New England and elsewhere.
Maslack recently proposed a bill to register "non-gun-owners" and require them to pay a $500 fee to the state. Thus Vermont would become the first
state to require a permit for the luxury of going about unarmed and assess a fee of $500 for the privilege of not owning a gun.
Maslack read the "militia" phrase of the Second Amendment as not only the right of the individual citizen to bear arms, but as a clear mandate to do
so. He believes that universal gun ownership was advocated by the Framers of the Constitution as an antidote to a "monopoly of force" by the government as well as criminals. Vermont 's constitution states explicitly that "the people have a right to bear arms for the defense of themselves and the State" and those persons who are "conscientiously scrupulous of bearing arms" shall be required to "pay such equivalent.."
Clearly, says Maslack, Vermonters have a constitutional obligation to arm themselves, so that they are capable of responding to "any situation that may arise."
Under the bill, adults who choose not to own a firearm would be required to register their name, address, Social Security Number, and driver's
license number with the state. "There is a legitimate government interest in knowing who is not prepared to defend the state should they be asked to do so," Maslack says.
Vermont already boasts a high rate of gun ownership along with the least restrictive laws of any state ... it's currently the only state that allows
a citizen to carry a concealed firearm without a permit.
This combination of plenty of guns and few laws regulating them has resulted in a crime rate that is the third lowest in the nation.
"America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards."
This makes sense! There is no reason why gun owners should have to pay taxes to support police protection for people not wanting to own guns.
Let them contribute their fair share and pay their own way.
Sounds reasonable to me! Non-gun owners require more police to protect them and this fee should go to paying for their defense!
--
"The Price of Freedom Is Written On The Wall"
"In Memory of Those Who Never Returned"
Vietnam 1959-1975
Maslack recently proposed a bill to register "non-gun-owners" and require them to pay a $500 fee to the state. Thus Vermont would become the first
state to require a permit for the luxury of going about unarmed and assess a fee of $500 for the privilege of not owning a gun.
Maslack read the "militia" phrase of the Second Amendment as not only the right of the individual citizen to bear arms, but as a clear mandate to do
so. He believes that universal gun ownership was advocated by the Framers of the Constitution as an antidote to a "monopoly of force" by the government as well as criminals. Vermont 's constitution states explicitly that "the people have a right to bear arms for the defense of themselves and the State" and those persons who are "conscientiously scrupulous of bearing arms" shall be required to "pay such equivalent.."
Clearly, says Maslack, Vermonters have a constitutional obligation to arm themselves, so that they are capable of responding to "any situation that may arise."
Under the bill, adults who choose not to own a firearm would be required to register their name, address, Social Security Number, and driver's
license number with the state. "There is a legitimate government interest in knowing who is not prepared to defend the state should they be asked to do so," Maslack says.
Vermont already boasts a high rate of gun ownership along with the least restrictive laws of any state ... it's currently the only state that allows
a citizen to carry a concealed firearm without a permit.
This combination of plenty of guns and few laws regulating them has resulted in a crime rate that is the third lowest in the nation.
"America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards."
This makes sense! There is no reason why gun owners should have to pay taxes to support police protection for people not wanting to own guns.
Let them contribute their fair share and pay their own way.
Sounds reasonable to me! Non-gun owners require more police to protect them and this fee should go to paying for their defense!
--
"The Price of Freedom Is Written On The Wall"
"In Memory of Those Who Never Returned"
Vietnam 1959-1975
How to look like a dork . . .
Pretty cool, but I don't think I'll be buying one. The models, though attractive, looked kinda dorky on these things.
I, of course, being the sophisticate I am, would not allow myself to appear dorky.
If you thought the SEGWAY personal transporter was cool. Check out Honda's new U3-X .
youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cuIJRsAuCHQ
I, of course, being the sophisticate I am, would not allow myself to appear dorky.
If you thought the SEGWAY personal transporter was cool. Check out Honda's new U3-X .
youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cuIJRsAuCHQ
Proper Capitalization . . .
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.
I have noticed that many who text messages & email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
(I've seen this before; makes me laugh every time . . .)
I have noticed that many who text messages & email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
(I've seen this before; makes me laugh every time . . .)
Charlie Callas, RIP
From Mark Evanier's blog: newsfromme.com
Such a funny man...dead at the age of either 83 or 86 depending on which obit you read. This one says he was 83. I usually don't go for comedians who make funny faces and silly noises but there was something gloriously manic about Charlie Callas...and he was always just a wee bit out of sync with reality. It was like life had filmed him against a green screen in another dimension and matted him into this one.
Want a quick sample? I was on the set of The Tonight Show when this was being taped. I wish you could have seen how hard Mr. Carson laughed. Everyone laughed, including the band. You had to be really funny to get Johnny to laugh like that and even funnier to get the band to laugh as it did that day...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHMw6ecYgew&feature=player_embedded
New Internet Law
The New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a 'nonintrusive method.' The FBI says you will hardly notice anything different.
For a demonstration, go to the link below:
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/
For a demonstration, go to the link below:
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/
Save Someone's Life . . .
Send to everyone you know.
Especially kids.
Powerful stuff.
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/10363.htm
Especially kids.
Powerful stuff.
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/10363.htm
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if
they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
' NO!' the children answered.
' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would
that get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can
I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOK'N DEAD..."
It's a curious race, the Irish.
they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
' NO!' the children answered.
' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would
that get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can
I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOK'N DEAD..."
It's a curious race, the Irish.
Amazing Hand Dance
This is a pretty unique act. Fascinating how they perform in perfect sync. Watch & listen…
Amazing Hand Dancing (with a straight face yet!) - more than 4,000,000 views
http://dalesdesigns.net/hand-dancing.htm
Amazing Hand Dancing (with a straight face yet!) - more than 4,000,000 views
http://dalesdesigns.net/hand-dancing.htm
Shaolin Monk throws needle through a pane of glass
I don't know if I would have believed it if I hadn't seen it.
Here is an ultra-slow motion film of a Shaolin Monk throwing a needle through a pane of glass.
Apparently, it's been done before but I never heard of anyone doing that.
http://www.badassdigest.com/2011/01/27/watch-a-shaolin-monk-throw-a-needle-through-a-pane-of-glass
Here is an ultra-slow motion film of a Shaolin Monk throwing a needle through a pane of glass.
Apparently, it's been done before but I never heard of anyone doing that.
http://www.badassdigest.com/2011/01/27/watch-a-shaolin-monk-throw-a-needle-through-a-pane-of-glass
A New Leader?
> READ THIS THEN SEE THE VIDEO
>
> Only two blacks were newly elected to congress this cycle, and both are Republican. Col West is from southern Florida, a bastion of the Democratic Party. He won in a walk.
> It is worth the viewing. This new Congressman was an extremely popular commander in Iraq. He was forced to retire because during an intense combat action a few of his men were captured. At the same time his men had captured one of the guys who were with the Iraqis who captured his men.
> Knowing that time was crucial and his interrogators were not getting anywhere with the prisoner COL West took matters into his own hands. He burst into the room and demanded thru an interpreter that the prisoner tell him where his men were being taken. The prisoner refused so COL West took out his pistol and placed it into the prisoner's crotch and fired. Then the COL told the prisoner that the next shot would not miss.
> So the prisoner said he would show where the American service members were being taken. The Americans were rescued. Some one filed a report on incorrect handling of prisoners. COL West was forced to retire. COL West was just elected in November 2010 to Congress from Florida. During the elections he was part of a panel on how to handle or how to relate to Muslims. You will see his answer here.
> Here is one of the new congressmen from Florida explaining very definitively in just over a minute the truth about Islam.
>
> Please watch and if you agree; please forward it to your friends, if you disagree, please hit the "delete" button.
http://secure.afa.net/afa/activism/takeaction.asp?id=384
>
> Only two blacks were newly elected to congress this cycle, and both are Republican. Col West is from southern Florida, a bastion of the Democratic Party. He won in a walk.
> It is worth the viewing. This new Congressman was an extremely popular commander in Iraq. He was forced to retire because during an intense combat action a few of his men were captured. At the same time his men had captured one of the guys who were with the Iraqis who captured his men.
> Knowing that time was crucial and his interrogators were not getting anywhere with the prisoner COL West took matters into his own hands. He burst into the room and demanded thru an interpreter that the prisoner tell him where his men were being taken. The prisoner refused so COL West took out his pistol and placed it into the prisoner's crotch and fired. Then the COL told the prisoner that the next shot would not miss.
> So the prisoner said he would show where the American service members were being taken. The Americans were rescued. Some one filed a report on incorrect handling of prisoners. COL West was forced to retire. COL West was just elected in November 2010 to Congress from Florida. During the elections he was part of a panel on how to handle or how to relate to Muslims. You will see his answer here.
> Here is one of the new congressmen from Florida explaining very definitively in just over a minute the truth about Islam.
>
> Please watch and if you agree; please forward it to your friends, if you disagree, please hit the "delete" button.
http://secure.afa.net/afa/activism/takeaction.asp?id=384
A New Leader?
> READ THIS THEN SEE THE VIDEO
>
> Only two blacks were newly elected to congress this cycle, and both are Republican. Col West is from southern Florida, a bastion of the Democratic Party. He won in a walk.
> It is worth the viewing. This new Congressman was an extremely popular commander in Iraq. He was forced to retire because during an intense combat action a few of his men were captured. At the same time his men had captured one of the guys who were with the Iraqis who captured his men.
> Knowing that time was crucial and his interrogators were not getting anywhere with the prisoner COL West took matters into his own hands. He burst into the room and demanded thru an interpreter that the prisoner tell him where his men were being taken. The prisoner refused so COL West took out his pistol and placed it into the prisoner's crotch and fired. Then the COL told the prisoner that the next shot would not miss.
> So the prisoner said he would show where the American service members were being taken. The Americans were rescued. Some one filed a report on incorrect handling of prisoners. COL West was forced to retire. COL West was just elected in November 2010 to Congress from Florida. During the elections he was part of a panel on how to handle or how to relate to Muslims. You will see his answer here.
> Here is one of the new congressmen from Florida explaining very definitively in just over a minute the truth about Islam.
>
> Please watch and if you agree; please forward it to your friends, if you disagree, please hit the "delete" button.
http://secure.afa.net/afa/activism/takeaction.asp?id=384
>
> Only two blacks were newly elected to congress this cycle, and both are Republican. Col West is from southern Florida, a bastion of the Democratic Party. He won in a walk.
> It is worth the viewing. This new Congressman was an extremely popular commander in Iraq. He was forced to retire because during an intense combat action a few of his men were captured. At the same time his men had captured one of the guys who were with the Iraqis who captured his men.
> Knowing that time was crucial and his interrogators were not getting anywhere with the prisoner COL West took matters into his own hands. He burst into the room and demanded thru an interpreter that the prisoner tell him where his men were being taken. The prisoner refused so COL West took out his pistol and placed it into the prisoner's crotch and fired. Then the COL told the prisoner that the next shot would not miss.
> So the prisoner said he would show where the American service members were being taken. The Americans were rescued. Some one filed a report on incorrect handling of prisoners. COL West was forced to retire. COL West was just elected in November 2010 to Congress from Florida. During the elections he was part of a panel on how to handle or how to relate to Muslims. You will see his answer here.
> Here is one of the new congressmen from Florida explaining very definitively in just over a minute the truth about Islam.
>
> Please watch and if you agree; please forward it to your friends, if you disagree, please hit the "delete" button.
http://secure.afa.net/afa/activism/takeaction.asp?id=384
A Touching Story . . .
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The World's Greatest Army
America's hunters.
This blogger adds up all the hunters in just a handful of states, and comes to a striking conclusion: The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without someone getting killed. That's great. There were over 600,000 hunters.
Allow me to restate that number. Over the last two months, the eighth
largest army in the world - more men under arms than Iran; more than France and Germany combined - deployed to the woods of a single American state to help keep the deer menace at bay.
But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of
Pennsylvania this week. Michigan's 700,000 hunters have now returned home.
Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the
case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.
His point? America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.
Hunting -- it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of
national security.
*************************************************
From Don Stuhldreier: "That's why all enemies foreign and domestic want to see us disarmed."
This blogger adds up all the hunters in just a handful of states, and comes to a striking conclusion: The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without someone getting killed. That's great. There were over 600,000 hunters.
Allow me to restate that number. Over the last two months, the eighth
largest army in the world - more men under arms than Iran; more than France and Germany combined - deployed to the woods of a single American state to help keep the deer menace at bay.
But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of
Pennsylvania this week. Michigan's 700,000 hunters have now returned home.
Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the
case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.
His point? America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.
Hunting -- it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of
national security.
*************************************************
From Don Stuhldreier: "That's why all enemies foreign and domestic want to see us disarmed."
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Scary Exam
Went to the doctor for a complete check-up.
He had me undress and stand up against the wall with my back pressed against it.
He then told me to look down at my thing.
I cried: "Dr. I can't see it!"
He said: "You will need to diet."
"Dye it?", I cried, "What color is it now?"
He had me undress and stand up against the wall with my back pressed against it.
He then told me to look down at my thing.
I cried: "Dr. I can't see it!"
He said: "You will need to diet."
"Dye it?", I cried, "What color is it now?"
Russian Talent Show
I have to admit I have no idea what this video means.
Is it a spoof? An illusion? Did it really happen?
I don't see any blood so I suspect an illusion . . . but
Check for yourself . . .
Is it a spoof? An illusion? Did it really happen?
I don't see any blood so I suspect an illusion . . . but
Check for yourself . . .
How Much Do You Know About Golf?
This is really neat...give it a try!
Lyle scored 9 under par! Not bad for an old fart!
This is multiple choice. If you select a wrong answer, the ball moves only so far down the fairway and stops and you are charged with one stroke. Keep selecting the answers that you think are correct and the ball moves down the fairway until you get the right answer and the ball goes in the hole.
If you have the correct answer right away, the ball goes directly in the hole - a hole in one.
http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm
Lyle scored 9 under par! Not bad for an old fart!
This is multiple choice. If you select a wrong answer, the ball moves only so far down the fairway and stops and you are charged with one stroke. Keep selecting the answers that you think are correct and the ball moves down the fairway until you get the right answer and the ball goes in the hole.
If you have the correct answer right away, the ball goes directly in the hole - a hole in one.
http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm
Golfer and the Circus
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there.
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there.
Older Man Scam . . .
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
A valuable parting gift . . .
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
“No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!"
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
“No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!"
How to keep a woman happy ....
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Leave him alone
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Leave him alone
Name That Hymn!
Sunday morning a priest decided to do something a little different.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing
'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE POWER IN THE BLOOD.
'The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the backof the churh
a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood
up and began to sing ' PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing
'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE POWER IN THE BLOOD.
'The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the backof the churh
a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood
up and began to sing ' PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'
$7 Sex
A Georgia couple, both well into their 7 0's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
English . . . for those who don't speak English . . .
Here's another excellent piece from Mark Evanier's blog (newsfromme.com):
Today's Video Link
I guess this one's for those of us who speak English and only English. I'm one such person. Matter of fact, I'm pretty hopelessly addicted to English. I took Spanish in Junior High School and I was absolutely dreadful at it. I remember about three sentences, one of which translates to "And notice how nice the lights are!" If I ever travel to a place where they only speak Spanish, I need to be in rooms that only have good lighting. Otherwise, I'll have nothing to say.
Later in school, I took German, Portuguese and Italian. I recall about ten words of each and didn't know that many more when I took my final exams in those courses. You could waterboard me and maybe get thirteen or fourteen out of me but that's about it.
Years ago when I worked with the great Sid Caesar, I was (like everyone) stunned and impressed at his ability to generate double-talk in French, in German, in Italian, etc. I found myself wondering, "What does that sound like to someone who actually speaks the language Sid is doing?" Or more interesting, perhaps: "What does it sound like if someone fluent in another language did double-talk English?" I once asked my pal Sergio Aragonés about it and he did an imitation for me of what Mexican comedians do when they do to English what Sid Caesar does to their tongue. It was...odd. A few real English words intermingled with a lot of incomprehensible vowel sounds with a Texas accent.
Anyway, Jim Newman just sent me this video link to a show apparently from some Italian variety program. The star is a gent of whom Jim says, "I'm guessing this guy is the Sid Caesar of Italy." Apparently so...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZXcRqFmFa8&feature=player_embedded
Today's Video Link
I guess this one's for those of us who speak English and only English. I'm one such person. Matter of fact, I'm pretty hopelessly addicted to English. I took Spanish in Junior High School and I was absolutely dreadful at it. I remember about three sentences, one of which translates to "And notice how nice the lights are!" If I ever travel to a place where they only speak Spanish, I need to be in rooms that only have good lighting. Otherwise, I'll have nothing to say.
Later in school, I took German, Portuguese and Italian. I recall about ten words of each and didn't know that many more when I took my final exams in those courses. You could waterboard me and maybe get thirteen or fourteen out of me but that's about it.
Years ago when I worked with the great Sid Caesar, I was (like everyone) stunned and impressed at his ability to generate double-talk in French, in German, in Italian, etc. I found myself wondering, "What does that sound like to someone who actually speaks the language Sid is doing?" Or more interesting, perhaps: "What does it sound like if someone fluent in another language did double-talk English?" I once asked my pal Sergio Aragonés about it and he did an imitation for me of what Mexican comedians do when they do to English what Sid Caesar does to their tongue. It was...odd. A few real English words intermingled with a lot of incomprehensible vowel sounds with a Texas accent.
Anyway, Jim Newman just sent me this video link to a show apparently from some Italian variety program. The star is a gent of whom Jim says, "I'm guessing this guy is the Sid Caesar of Italy." Apparently so...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZXcRqFmFa8&feature=player_embedded
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Don't Mess With Old People
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
"soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What
are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two
left."
Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
"soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What
are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two
left."
Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
Great Military Photos - Iwo Jima
http://picasaweb.google.com/7thfighter/IwoJima?authkey=Gv1sRgCIW06db_6oth&feat=email#slideshow/5299163150448181842
Let's Fly!
Peregrine Falcon and Goshawk. I find the latter absolutely amazing. The Cooper's and Sharpshin Hawks do the same thing. Sometimes you can hear small branches break as they fly through trees.
A tiny camera is attached to a hawk/falcon and this is the view.
http://wimp.com/hawkssee
A tiny camera is attached to a hawk/falcon and this is the view.
http://wimp.com/hawkssee
Bless 'em all! Bless 'em all!
On stage, in the middle of a combat zone . . . Gene Simmons of KISS, salutes our military.
Prepare for goosebumps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5MtdIO23MKM
Prepare for goosebumps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5MtdIO23MKM
A great columnist . . .
Irv Erdos is a brilliant columnist for the North County Times, the daily newspaper for North San Diego County.
I know Irv very well; he's been my guest at several Kiwanis meetings where he was the featured speaker. Invariably, he brings the house down.
I've told the powers-that-be at the NCTimes that they should syndicate Irv; he's that good and a lot of his stuff would work in any market. Not only would Irv make more money but the NCTimes could charge licensing fees and make some extra cash as well.
Here's one of Irv's columns that brought several chuckles from me. Enjoy:
"Who's On First?"
My son Jason, age 4, was bitten by our cat. So I called the pediatrician.
"Jason got bitten by the cat. What should I do?"
"Did he have his shots?"
"Who, the cat?"
"No, Jason."
"Yes, he has."
"OK, that means we're OK on this end. Now you'll have to call the humane society to check with them."
So, I called the humane society:
"My son Jason got bitten by the cat."
"Did he have his shots?"
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
"I'm afraid not."
"Has he been acting strange?"
"Sometimes he draws on the walls with a crayon."
"The cat can draw?"
"No, Jason."
"I'm talking about the cat."
"The cat can't draw."
"I realize that. I want to know if the cat appears sick."
"No, I don't believe so."
"OK, that's a good sign. Where was Jason bitten?"
"In the kitchen."
"I mean where on his body?"
"On his arm. I know that must have hurt. I once got bitten there myself."
"By who, the cat?"
"No, Jason."
"We have to talk about a quarantine. He's going to have to stay at home for 10 days."
"Does that mean he'll have to miss school?"
"The cat goes to school?"
"No, Jason."
"I'm talking about the cat."
"The cat doesn't go to school."
"I know the cat doesn't go to school. I'm trying to tell you the cat has to stay in the house for 10 days so he can be observed. We have to watch for rabies symptoms and make sure he doesn't get bitten."
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
"Why would I worry if the cat gets bitten?"
"If the cat gets bitten by a rabid animal after he bit Jason, we'd have no way of knowing whether he had rabies in the first place."
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
"Forgive me for saying so, but it appears as though you're more worried about the cat than Jason."
"It may seem that way, sir, but I assure you your son's health is our only concern. We'll call you in 10 days to see how he's doing."
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
Irv Erdos of Escondido is a freelance columnist. Contact him at IrvErdos@aol.com.
I know Irv very well; he's been my guest at several Kiwanis meetings where he was the featured speaker. Invariably, he brings the house down.
I've told the powers-that-be at the NCTimes that they should syndicate Irv; he's that good and a lot of his stuff would work in any market. Not only would Irv make more money but the NCTimes could charge licensing fees and make some extra cash as well.
Here's one of Irv's columns that brought several chuckles from me. Enjoy:
"Who's On First?"
My son Jason, age 4, was bitten by our cat. So I called the pediatrician.
"Jason got bitten by the cat. What should I do?"
"Did he have his shots?"
"Who, the cat?"
"No, Jason."
"Yes, he has."
"OK, that means we're OK on this end. Now you'll have to call the humane society to check with them."
So, I called the humane society:
"My son Jason got bitten by the cat."
"Did he have his shots?"
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
"I'm afraid not."
"Has he been acting strange?"
"Sometimes he draws on the walls with a crayon."
"The cat can draw?"
"No, Jason."
"I'm talking about the cat."
"The cat can't draw."
"I realize that. I want to know if the cat appears sick."
"No, I don't believe so."
"OK, that's a good sign. Where was Jason bitten?"
"In the kitchen."
"I mean where on his body?"
"On his arm. I know that must have hurt. I once got bitten there myself."
"By who, the cat?"
"No, Jason."
"We have to talk about a quarantine. He's going to have to stay at home for 10 days."
"Does that mean he'll have to miss school?"
"The cat goes to school?"
"No, Jason."
"I'm talking about the cat."
"The cat doesn't go to school."
"I know the cat doesn't go to school. I'm trying to tell you the cat has to stay in the house for 10 days so he can be observed. We have to watch for rabies symptoms and make sure he doesn't get bitten."
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
"Why would I worry if the cat gets bitten?"
"If the cat gets bitten by a rabid animal after he bit Jason, we'd have no way of knowing whether he had rabies in the first place."
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
"Forgive me for saying so, but it appears as though you're more worried about the cat than Jason."
"It may seem that way, sir, but I assure you your son's health is our only concern. We'll call you in 10 days to see how he's doing."
"Who, Jason?"
"No, the cat."
Irv Erdos of Escondido is a freelance columnist. Contact him at IrvErdos@aol.com.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A Jack LaLanne Story . . .
Again, from Mark Evanier's blog: newsfromme.com
Jack LaLanne, who pretty much invented the TV exercise show and much of the entire fitness industry, died yesterday at the age of 96. He lived his life as a walking billboard for exercise and nutrition. The above photo was reportedly taken when he was 71 years old and I can believe it. Up until around when he hit 85, he would do some outrageous physical feat every year on his birthday...like swimming from San Francisco to Alcatraz, towing the entire city of Oakland. Or something like that. I always found him a little annoying but in a good way. He made a darned good living off his industry but I'll bet he also, directly or indirectly, put a lot of extra years on folks' lives. When you hear reports that Americans are living longer...well, that's because most people take better care of themselves. And a lot of them take better care of themselves because of a movement that Jack LaLanne helped popularize.
So I guess I have to tell my Jack LaLanne story. I only have one. It took place about ten years ago at the Musso-Frank Grill, a venerable restaurant up on Hollywood Boulevard that was founded in 1919...when Jack LaLanne was five years old, let's note. One evening, I was dining there with my friend Carolyn Kelly and our pals Marv Wolfman and Paul Dini. We were in one booth, Jack LaLanne and some folks were in the booth next to us and we shared a common waiter.
We were perusing our menus and I think it was Paul who asked the waiter what Mr. LaLanne was having. The waiter replied, "The sanddabs. Mr. LaLanne always comes in on Thursday evenings and has the sanddabs. He just loves our sanddabs."
We were still perusing about two minutes later when Mr. LaLanne and his party got up to leave. Jack would have been around 86 but you could tell he was in good shape. He had on one of those body suits with short sleeves, and then you can't tell where the shirt ends and the pants begin. I think this was the first time I ever realized how short he was...about 5'6", I'd guess.
He paused to slip the waiter a tip, handshake-style, then he turned to us, still sitting there with our menus up. He announced, "Whatever you order, you'll love it. Everything here is great!"
I was sitting on the end, right next to him. Just to make trouble, I said, "Yeah, the waiter told us we should try anything except the sanddabs. The Board of Health just made them stop selling them due to some sort of pollution."
Jack LaLanne did a "take" that would have been considered overacting on The Benny Hill Show. A look of horror struck him...and I think he would have run for the men's room and induced vomiting if he hadn't seen us all laughing and realized he'd been had. And what did he do in response?
He hit me.
I have witnesses. Jack LaLanne swung and punched me right in the shoulder, laughing as he did. It didn't really hurt, although it probably hurt a little more than it would have from any other man his age. I can't say for sure. Apart from this one time, I've never been struck by an 86-year-old bodybuilder.
Anyway, that's the story and the point of it, I guess, is that I'm a smartass and Jack LaLanne was a good sport. I only regret that I didn't get to tell him how much I respected his work and all that he did to make fitness fashionable. But then he probably would have figured I was just complimenting him so he wouldn't keep hitting me.
Jack LaLanne - RIP - 96 years old
From Mark Evanier's Blog - newsfromme.com
Here's Jack LaLanne in his prime...but talking and not exercising. That was one of the keys to the man's success: He was a good talker and he knew how to connect with his audience, which was usually housewives. For a decade or two, he did his show every Monday through Friday, largely ad-libbed — and for many years, live. It was just him and his dog and a few props and the cameras...and I seem to recall that in the fifties, it was usually just one camera. Today, you wouldn't do an exercise video without music, costumes, scenery, dancers, fancy camerawork, etc. Jack's show was just Jack and it worked...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ-c-bFLtcM&feature=player_embedded
Here's Jack LaLanne in his prime...but talking and not exercising. That was one of the keys to the man's success: He was a good talker and he knew how to connect with his audience, which was usually housewives. For a decade or two, he did his show every Monday through Friday, largely ad-libbed — and for many years, live. It was just him and his dog and a few props and the cameras...and I seem to recall that in the fifties, it was usually just one camera. Today, you wouldn't do an exercise video without music, costumes, scenery, dancers, fancy camerawork, etc. Jack's show was just Jack and it worked...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ-c-bFLtcM&feature=player_embedded
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Police Harrassment
Recently a local Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."
One of the civilian email participants posed the following
question, "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"
The "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously
a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In our town
we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do
most of our harassing.
The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them
contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only
one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for
harassing about 5,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations
that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation
where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This
gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
The tools available to us are as follows:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us
to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The
harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.
They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or
no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them
out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a
police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really
mess with people.
After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile
until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass
them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this
book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we
get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some
people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."
It's one of our favorites.
One of the civilian email participants posed the following
question, "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"
The "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously
a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In our town
we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do
most of our harassing.
The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them
contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only
one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for
harassing about 5,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations
that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation
where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This
gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
The tools available to us are as follows:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us
to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The
harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.
They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or
no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them
out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a
police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really
mess with people.
After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile
until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass
them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this
book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we
get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some
people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."
It's one of our favorites.
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now?
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now?
Ping Golf Clubs
A note from a golfing friend!
Jane and I have just returned from a short trip to Disney in Orlando to decompress from the Thanksgiving holiday. Our plan was to see the holiday decorations at Disney and while Jane shopped, I would play a little golf.
On Monday, I played the Disney, Lake Buena Vista course. As usual the starters matched me with three other players. After a few holes we began to get to know each other a bit. One fellow was rather young and had his wife riding along in the golf cart with him. I noticed that his golf bag had his name on it and after closer inspection, it also said "wounded war veterans".
When I had my first chance to chat with him I asked him about the bag. His response was simply that it was a gift. I then asked if he was wounded and he said yes. When I asked more about his injury, his response was "I'd rather not talk about it, sir".
Over a few holes I learned that he had spent the last 15 months in an army rehabilitation hospital in San Antonio Texas . His wife moved there to be with him and he was released from the hospital in September. He was a rather quite fellow, however, he did say that he wanted to get good at golf.
We had a nice round and as we became a bit more familiar I asked him about the a brand new set of Ping woods and irons he was playing. Some looked like they had never been hit. His response was simple. He said that this round was the first full round he had played with these clubs.
Later in the round he told me the following. As part of the discharge process from the rehabilitation hospital, Ping comes in and provides three days of golf instruction, followed by club fitting. Upon discharge from the hospital, Ping gives each of the discharged veterans, generally about 40 soldiers, a brand new set of custom fitted clubs along with the impressive golf bags.
The fellow I met was named Ben Woods and he looked me in the eye and said that being fitted for those clubs was one of the best things that ever happened to him and he was determined to learn to play golf well enough to deserve the gift Ping had given him. Ben is now out of the service, medically discharged just a month ago. He is as fine a young man as you would ever want to meet.
Ping has the good judgment not to advertise this program.
God Bless America and the game of golf.
Jane and I have just returned from a short trip to Disney in Orlando to decompress from the Thanksgiving holiday. Our plan was to see the holiday decorations at Disney and while Jane shopped, I would play a little golf.
On Monday, I played the Disney, Lake Buena Vista course. As usual the starters matched me with three other players. After a few holes we began to get to know each other a bit. One fellow was rather young and had his wife riding along in the golf cart with him. I noticed that his golf bag had his name on it and after closer inspection, it also said "wounded war veterans".
When I had my first chance to chat with him I asked him about the bag. His response was simply that it was a gift. I then asked if he was wounded and he said yes. When I asked more about his injury, his response was "I'd rather not talk about it, sir".
Over a few holes I learned that he had spent the last 15 months in an army rehabilitation hospital in San Antonio Texas . His wife moved there to be with him and he was released from the hospital in September. He was a rather quite fellow, however, he did say that he wanted to get good at golf.
We had a nice round and as we became a bit more familiar I asked him about the a brand new set of Ping woods and irons he was playing. Some looked like they had never been hit. His response was simple. He said that this round was the first full round he had played with these clubs.
Later in the round he told me the following. As part of the discharge process from the rehabilitation hospital, Ping comes in and provides three days of golf instruction, followed by club fitting. Upon discharge from the hospital, Ping gives each of the discharged veterans, generally about 40 soldiers, a brand new set of custom fitted clubs along with the impressive golf bags.
The fellow I met was named Ben Woods and he looked me in the eye and said that being fitted for those clubs was one of the best things that ever happened to him and he was determined to learn to play golf well enough to deserve the gift Ping had given him. Ben is now out of the service, medically discharged just a month ago. He is as fine a young man as you would ever want to meet.
Ping has the good judgment not to advertise this program.
God Bless America and the game of golf.
Bertha and Betty
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, 'Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, 'Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Betty, Betty.'
'Who is it', asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Betty -- it's me, Bertha.'
'You're not Bertha. Bertha just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha,' insisted the voice.
'Bertha! Where are you?'
'In heaven,' replied Bertha. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Betty.
'The good news,' Bertha said, 'is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Betty. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
-------
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, 'Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, 'Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Betty, Betty.'
'Who is it', asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Betty -- it's me, Bertha.'
'You're not Bertha. Bertha just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha,' insisted the voice.
'Bertha! Where are you?'
'In heaven,' replied Bertha. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Betty.
'The good news,' Bertha said, 'is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Betty. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
-------
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
Talking with strangers .. .
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to this total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal healthcare or economic stimulus packages?" He smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it a few seconds and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal healthcare or the economy when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to this total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal healthcare or economic stimulus packages?" He smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it a few seconds and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal healthcare or the economy when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
The Biology Exam
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,'
worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
Bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
Note: He got an A.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,'
worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
Bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
Note: He got an A.
Texas Declares War on the USA
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… “President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am
sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."
TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… “President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am
sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."
TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
Re-Tarded Grandparents
Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks - they just eat out. And - they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks - they just eat out. And - they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
SEND ALL SENIOR CITIZENS TO JAIL
Jails and Nursing Homes
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly.... if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education....and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie. shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens..
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly.... if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education....and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie. shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens..
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"
See if I have this right . . .
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET!
A JOB,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU
PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION!
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET!
A JOB,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU
PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION!
GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE
Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal's wearing Obama tee Shirts, four stupid Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, Two rappers, five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in Broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver wearing a turban.
FOR THE LAST TIME...!
.
.
.
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
FOR THE LAST TIME...!
.
.
.
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
Norwegian Diet
Ole and Sven had really 'packed on the pounds' by over-eating during Christmas and the New Year's Holidays, so their doctor put them on the same diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Norwegians returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS each.
'Why, that's positively amazing!' the doctor said. 'Did you follow my instructions?'
Then Ole and Sven nodded and said 'We vant to tell you though, we taut we was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, yust from all dat skippin'!
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Norwegians returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS each.
'Why, that's positively amazing!' the doctor said. 'Did you follow my instructions?'
Then Ole and Sven nodded and said 'We vant to tell you though, we taut we was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, yust from all dat skippin'!
10 Finkers
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2010 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2010 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
The People Speak . . .
Something tells me this guy might be a teensy bit upset…as he should be!!
Former Senator Alan Simpson Calls Seniors 'Greediest Generation'...
Therefore the following letter, from a man in Montana ....who -- like the rest of us -- has just about had enough:
Hey Alan,
Let’s get a few things straight…
1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS…
2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63)…
3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud…
4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN…
5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills…
6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt…
To add insult to injury, you label us “greedy” for calling on your incompetence. Well, Captain , I have a few questions for YOU…
1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?
2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?
3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?
4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?
It is you, and your political co-conspirators who are “greedy”. It is you and they who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That’s right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.
And you can take that to the bank!
Former Senator Alan Simpson Calls Seniors 'Greediest Generation'...
Therefore the following letter, from a man in Montana ....who -- like the rest of us -- has just about had enough:
Hey Alan,
Let’s get a few things straight…
1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS…
2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63)…
3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud…
4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN…
5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills…
6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt…
To add insult to injury, you label us “greedy” for calling on your incompetence. Well, Captain , I have a few questions for YOU…
1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?
2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?
3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?
4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?
It is you, and your political co-conspirators who are “greedy”. It is you and they who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That’s right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.
And you can take that to the bank!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard -
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him..The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
A New Way to Think About Food
Trust me, I wouldn’t normally forward this type of email, but I'm sending this one along to family and close friends because it seems to me to make a lot of sense. It is a bit long, but certainly worth investing the time. If this guy is right, it might make you consider making some immediate changes that you might not otherwise consider.
If ever you decide to spend a fascinating 20-minutes on a most worthwhile subject, I encourage you to hear every word this doctor has to offer.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/chi_hans/william_li.html
If ever you decide to spend a fascinating 20-minutes on a most worthwhile subject, I encourage you to hear every word this doctor has to offer.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/chi_hans/william_li.html
For Catholics Only . . .
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals & top secret code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas. There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas. There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
Sensitivity 101
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
Advice To Live By
Shooting advice Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is a drill instructor (Thunder Ranch is a firearms training facility in Oregon). Here are a few of his observation on tactics, firearms, self defense and life as we know it in the civilized world.
Thunder Ranch® Oregon Course Descriptions
Never let someone or thing that threatens you get inside arms length and never say I got a gun. If you feel you need to use deadly force for heaven’s sake let the first sound they hear be the safety clicking off and they shouldn't have time to hear anything after that if you are doing your job.
The average response time of a 911 call is over 3 minutes....the response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.'
The most important rule in a gunfight is: "Always win and cheat
if necessary."
"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."
"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's going to be empty."
"If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not loadin', you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick."
"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."
"Do something - It may be wrong, but do something."
"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."
"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for."
"Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good."
"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work, but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."
"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it."
"You cannot save the planet but you may be able to save yourself and your family."
"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone makes us go away, and either way, it will be exciting."
More Excellent Gun Wisdom........
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in
defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to
fight, he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers.
The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
8. Beware of the man who only has one gun, because he probably knows how to use it very well.
'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.
'G. K. Chesterton
A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.
"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."
- Thomas Jefferson
If you believe in the 2nd Amendment, please forward.
Thunder Ranch® Oregon Course Descriptions
Never let someone or thing that threatens you get inside arms length and never say I got a gun. If you feel you need to use deadly force for heaven’s sake let the first sound they hear be the safety clicking off and they shouldn't have time to hear anything after that if you are doing your job.
The average response time of a 911 call is over 3 minutes....the response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.'
The most important rule in a gunfight is: "Always win and cheat
if necessary."
"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."
"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's going to be empty."
"If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not loadin', you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick."
"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."
"Do something - It may be wrong, but do something."
"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."
"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for."
"Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good."
"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work, but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."
"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it."
"You cannot save the planet but you may be able to save yourself and your family."
"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone makes us go away, and either way, it will be exciting."
More Excellent Gun Wisdom........
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in
defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to
fight, he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers.
The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
8. Beware of the man who only has one gun, because he probably knows how to use it very well.
'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.
'G. K. Chesterton
A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.
"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."
- Thomas Jefferson
If you believe in the 2nd Amendment, please forward.
US Plans Crackdown on Employers of Illegal Aliens
http://chicagobreakingbusiness.com/2011/01/u-s-plans-crackdown-on-employers-of-illegal-workers.html
The Obama administration plans to intensify a crackdown on employers of illegal immigrants with the establishment of an audit office designed to bolster verification of company hiring records.
In an interview, John Morton, chief of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, a unit of the Department of Homeland Security, said the Employment Compliance Inspection Center would “address a need to conduct audits even of the largest employers with a very large number of employees.” The office would be announced Thursday, he said.
Morton said that the center would be staffed with specialists who will pore over the I-9 employee files collected from companies targeted for audits.
In the fiscal year that ended Sept. 30, 2010, ICE conducted audits of more than 2,740 companies, nearly twice as many as the previous year. The agency levied a record $7 million in civil fines on businesses that employed illegal workers.
Enforcement activity during the Bush administration focused on high-profile raids in which thousands of illegal immigrants were arrested and placed in deportation proceedings. Relatively few companies and their executives were prosecuted.
In contrast, the Obama administration has made employers the center of its immigration policy with “silent raids.” Critics say the policy has penalized small employers while failing to target larger employers.
Morton said the new center would have the “express purpose” of providing support to regional immigration offices conducting large audits. “We wouldn’t be limited by the size of a company,” he said.
The audits, which have affected garment makers, fruit growers and meat packers, result in the firing of every illegal immigrant on a company’s payroll. Companies say this has hurt them, especially as they can’t attract American workers even during an economic downturn.
“Ultimately, it is in a company’s best financial interest to proactively comply with the law now rather than to face potential fines or criminal prosecution for noncompliance in the future,” an ICE spokeswoman said.
Morton said ICE was also seeking to expand a program enabling businesses to work with the federal government to ensure they are employing people authorized to work in the U.S. Called IMAGE, or ICE Mutual Agreement between Government and Employers, the voluntary program includes training and assessments to help a company guard against hiring illegal employees.
Morton will also announce Thursday that Tyson Foods Inc., which employs 100,000 people and has had immigration troubles in the past, has joined the program, agreeing to an audit of “a certain portion of existing records.” The poultry processor, which says it has already taken steps to maintain a legal work force, also agreed to establish an internal auditing process, Mr. Morton said.
Morton suggested Tyson could pave the way for other big companies to join the program. Tyson faced federal human-smuggling charges in a high-profile trial that resulted in acquittal in 2003.
“We believe this partnership will enhance our ability to collaborate with government officials on immigration-related matters,” said Tyson Chief Human Resources Officer Ken Kimbro.
Since ICE initiated the IMAGE program in 2006, only 115 companies have signed on, with many reluctant to open their books to government scrutiny and to invest in training and new systems to bolster their employer-verification process, experts say.
About 11 million illegal immigrants live in the U.S., according to government estimates.
The Obama administration plans to intensify a crackdown on employers of illegal immigrants with the establishment of an audit office designed to bolster verification of company hiring records.
In an interview, John Morton, chief of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, a unit of the Department of Homeland Security, said the Employment Compliance Inspection Center would “address a need to conduct audits even of the largest employers with a very large number of employees.” The office would be announced Thursday, he said.
Morton said that the center would be staffed with specialists who will pore over the I-9 employee files collected from companies targeted for audits.
In the fiscal year that ended Sept. 30, 2010, ICE conducted audits of more than 2,740 companies, nearly twice as many as the previous year. The agency levied a record $7 million in civil fines on businesses that employed illegal workers.
Enforcement activity during the Bush administration focused on high-profile raids in which thousands of illegal immigrants were arrested and placed in deportation proceedings. Relatively few companies and their executives were prosecuted.
In contrast, the Obama administration has made employers the center of its immigration policy with “silent raids.” Critics say the policy has penalized small employers while failing to target larger employers.
Morton said the new center would have the “express purpose” of providing support to regional immigration offices conducting large audits. “We wouldn’t be limited by the size of a company,” he said.
The audits, which have affected garment makers, fruit growers and meat packers, result in the firing of every illegal immigrant on a company’s payroll. Companies say this has hurt them, especially as they can’t attract American workers even during an economic downturn.
“Ultimately, it is in a company’s best financial interest to proactively comply with the law now rather than to face potential fines or criminal prosecution for noncompliance in the future,” an ICE spokeswoman said.
Morton said ICE was also seeking to expand a program enabling businesses to work with the federal government to ensure they are employing people authorized to work in the U.S. Called IMAGE, or ICE Mutual Agreement between Government and Employers, the voluntary program includes training and assessments to help a company guard against hiring illegal employees.
Morton will also announce Thursday that Tyson Foods Inc., which employs 100,000 people and has had immigration troubles in the past, has joined the program, agreeing to an audit of “a certain portion of existing records.” The poultry processor, which says it has already taken steps to maintain a legal work force, also agreed to establish an internal auditing process, Mr. Morton said.
Morton suggested Tyson could pave the way for other big companies to join the program. Tyson faced federal human-smuggling charges in a high-profile trial that resulted in acquittal in 2003.
“We believe this partnership will enhance our ability to collaborate with government officials on immigration-related matters,” said Tyson Chief Human Resources Officer Ken Kimbro.
Since ICE initiated the IMAGE program in 2006, only 115 companies have signed on, with many reluctant to open their books to government scrutiny and to invest in training and new systems to bolster their employer-verification process, experts say.
About 11 million illegal immigrants live in the U.S., according to government estimates.
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