Orders

The following was found posted very low on a
refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw
prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is
not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not
the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized
bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out on the other end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from
the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you
there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw under the edge in an
attempt to open the door. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using
the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance
is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then
go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot
stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have
posted the following message on the
front door:


TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND
LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. That's why they call it
'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are
adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,
walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than
kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell
their children ...