At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Army PFC faces Life in Prison for Leaking US information
Prosecutors have agreed to not recommend the death penalty. I think he deserves capital punishment. He is a traitor to his nation and revealed information that may have caused hundreds of US military deaths.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/03/02/AR2011030205207.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/03/02/AR2011030205207.html
The Roy Rogers Museum: Closed Forever
I know that some of you could probably care less about this, but I thought it was interesting how much some of the stuff sold for.....
The Roy Rogers Museum has closed its doors forever
This is for the over " 55 group" who know Roy
Rogers & Dale Evans . ( King & Queen of the
Cowboys )
The Roy Rogers Museum has
closed its doors forever.
Here is a partial listing of some of the items
that were sold at auction...
Roy's 1964 Bonneville sold for $254,500, it
was estimated to sell between 100 and 150 thousand
dollars.
His script book from the January 14,1953 episode
of This Is Your Life sold for $10,000 (est.
$800-$1,000)
A collection of signed baseballs (Pete Rose, Duke
Snyder and other greats) sold for $3,750
A collection of signed bats (Yogi Berra, Enos
Slaughter, Bob Feller, and others) sold for
$2,750.
Trigger's saddle and bridle sold for $386,500
(est. 100-150 K)
One of many of Roy 's shirts sold for $16,250
and one of his many cowboy hats sold for $17,500.
One set of boot spurs sold for $10,625. (He never
used a set of spurs on Trigger.)
A life size shooting gallery sold for $27,500.
Various chandeliers sold from $6,875 to $20,000.
Very unique and artistic in their western style.
A signed photograph by Don Larsen taken during his
perfect game in the world series against the Dodgers on
Oct. 8, 1953, along with a signed baseball to Roy from Don,
Sold for $2,500
Two fabulous limited edition BB guns in their
original boxes with numerous photos of Roy, Dale, Gabby,
And Pat sold for $3,750.
A collection of memorabilia from his shows
entertaining the troops in Vietnam sold for
$938. I never knew he was there. His flight jacket
Sold for $7,500.
His set of dinner ware plates and silverware sold
for $11,875. The Bible they used at the dinner
table every night sold for $8,750.
One of several of his guitars sold for $27,500.
Nellybelle sold for $116,500.
A fabulous painting of Roy, Dale, Pat, Buttermilk,
Trigger, and Bullet sold for $10,625.
One of several sets of movie posters sold for
$18,750.
A black and white photograph of Gene Autry with a
touching inscription from Gene to Roy sold for
$17,500.
A Republic Productions Poster bearing many
Autographs of the people that played in Roy's movies sold for
$11,875.
Dale's horse, Buttermilk (whose history is
Very interesting) sold below the presale estimate for $25,000.
(est. 30-40 K)
Bullet sold for $35,000 (est. 10-15 K). He was
their real pet.
Dale's parade saddle, estimated to sell between
20-30 K, sold for $104,500.
One of many pairs of Roy's boots sold for
$21,250.
Trigger sold for $266,500. Do you remember the 1938 movie The Adventures of
Robinhood with Errol Flynn and Olivia de
Havilland? Well Olivia rode Trigger in that
Movie. Trigger was bred on a farm co-owned by Bing
Crosby. Roy bought Trigger on a time payment plan for
$2,500. Roy and Trigger made 188 movies
Together. Trigger even out did Bob Hope by winning an
Oscar in the movie Son of Paleface in 1953.
It is extremely sad to see this era lost
forever. Despite the fact that Gene and
Roy's movies, as well as those of other great
characters, can be bought or rented for viewing, today's
Kids would rather spend their time playing video games.
Today it takes a very special pair of parents to raise
their kids with the right values and morals.
These were the great heroes of our childhood, and
They did teach us right from wrong, and how to
Have and show respect for each other and the
Animals that share this earth.
You and I were born at the right time. We were
Able to grow up with these great people even if we
Never met them. In their own way they taught us
Patriotism and honor, we learned that lying and
Cheating were bad, and sex wasn't as important as love.
We learned how to suffer through disappointment and failure
And work through it. Our lives were drug free.
So it's good-bye to Roy and Dale, Gene and Hoppy, The
Lone Ranger and Tonto. Farewell to Sky King and Superman
And Sgt. Friday. Thanks to Capt. Kangaroo, Mr. Rogers
And Capt. Noah and all those people whose lives
Touched ours, and made them better.
A time in History, never to be seen again, but
What a ride it was...
The Roy Rogers Museum has closed its doors forever
This is for the over " 55 group" who know Roy
Rogers & Dale Evans . ( King & Queen of the
Cowboys )
The Roy Rogers Museum has
closed its doors forever.
Here is a partial listing of some of the items
that were sold at auction...
Roy's 1964 Bonneville sold for $254,500, it
was estimated to sell between 100 and 150 thousand
dollars.
His script book from the January 14,1953 episode
of This Is Your Life sold for $10,000 (est.
$800-$1,000)
A collection of signed baseballs (Pete Rose, Duke
Snyder and other greats) sold for $3,750
A collection of signed bats (Yogi Berra, Enos
Slaughter, Bob Feller, and others) sold for
$2,750.
Trigger's saddle and bridle sold for $386,500
(est. 100-150 K)
One of many of Roy 's shirts sold for $16,250
and one of his many cowboy hats sold for $17,500.
One set of boot spurs sold for $10,625. (He never
used a set of spurs on Trigger.)
A life size shooting gallery sold for $27,500.
Various chandeliers sold from $6,875 to $20,000.
Very unique and artistic in their western style.
A signed photograph by Don Larsen taken during his
perfect game in the world series against the Dodgers on
Oct. 8, 1953, along with a signed baseball to Roy from Don,
Sold for $2,500
Two fabulous limited edition BB guns in their
original boxes with numerous photos of Roy, Dale, Gabby,
And Pat sold for $3,750.
A collection of memorabilia from his shows
entertaining the troops in Vietnam sold for
$938. I never knew he was there. His flight jacket
Sold for $7,500.
His set of dinner ware plates and silverware sold
for $11,875. The Bible they used at the dinner
table every night sold for $8,750.
One of several of his guitars sold for $27,500.
Nellybelle sold for $116,500.
A fabulous painting of Roy, Dale, Pat, Buttermilk,
Trigger, and Bullet sold for $10,625.
One of several sets of movie posters sold for
$18,750.
A black and white photograph of Gene Autry with a
touching inscription from Gene to Roy sold for
$17,500.
A Republic Productions Poster bearing many
Autographs of the people that played in Roy's movies sold for
$11,875.
Dale's horse, Buttermilk (whose history is
Very interesting) sold below the presale estimate for $25,000.
(est. 30-40 K)
Bullet sold for $35,000 (est. 10-15 K). He was
their real pet.
Dale's parade saddle, estimated to sell between
20-30 K, sold for $104,500.
One of many pairs of Roy's boots sold for
$21,250.
Trigger sold for $266,500. Do you remember the 1938 movie The Adventures of
Robinhood with Errol Flynn and Olivia de
Havilland? Well Olivia rode Trigger in that
Movie. Trigger was bred on a farm co-owned by Bing
Crosby. Roy bought Trigger on a time payment plan for
$2,500. Roy and Trigger made 188 movies
Together. Trigger even out did Bob Hope by winning an
Oscar in the movie Son of Paleface in 1953.
It is extremely sad to see this era lost
forever. Despite the fact that Gene and
Roy's movies, as well as those of other great
characters, can be bought or rented for viewing, today's
Kids would rather spend their time playing video games.
Today it takes a very special pair of parents to raise
their kids with the right values and morals.
These were the great heroes of our childhood, and
They did teach us right from wrong, and how to
Have and show respect for each other and the
Animals that share this earth.
You and I were born at the right time. We were
Able to grow up with these great people even if we
Never met them. In their own way they taught us
Patriotism and honor, we learned that lying and
Cheating were bad, and sex wasn't as important as love.
We learned how to suffer through disappointment and failure
And work through it. Our lives were drug free.
So it's good-bye to Roy and Dale, Gene and Hoppy, The
Lone Ranger and Tonto. Farewell to Sky King and Superman
And Sgt. Friday. Thanks to Capt. Kangaroo, Mr. Rogers
And Capt. Noah and all those people whose lives
Touched ours, and made them better.
A time in History, never to be seen again, but
What a ride it was...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Nursing Home Sex
Nursing Home Sex
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after inner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Frank says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile.'
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's manhood.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after inner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Frank says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile.'
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's manhood.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'
The Police Chaplain
One of the many reasons I enjoy my Kiwanis Club so much is programs such as we had this morning.
Pastor Dick Huls, a retired pastor, also serves as one of six Chaplains for the Escondido Police Department (about 160 sworn officers, about 100 staff members).
In the course of his service as Chaplain he learned a number of things that are startling to those of us who are 'civilians' and not always aware of what happens within police departments nationwide.
There is, for example, about an 85% divorce rate within the ranks of law enforcement. The rate of suicide for police officers is about three times the national average. While he didn't quote a percentage, he did say that the number of incidents of spousal abuse were 'outrageous,' which suggests a very high percentage. Constant pressures, constant exposure to pain and suffering, often within their own ranks, contributes to these high figures.
After the meeting I discussed these figures with a close personal friend who is a CPA. "Well," he said, "those figures, while high, may be misleading. For example, you may have 10 officers, two of whom have been divorced three times; that's six divorces out of 10. Another two officers have one divorce each, there's your 80% . . . so it's not like 8 out of every 10 cops are getting divorced."
"Yes," sez me, "but those cops who get divorced three times also concern me. If they can't get along with at least one of three wives . . . what does that say about their ability to cope with society . . . particularly those within the society who are troubled?'
Even those of us who work with law enforcement and think we are reasonably well versed on that world find that we are really rather poorly informed. Part of this is because, of necessity, police departments form something of a 'closed society.' Even the best of personal friends are seldom invited in to the inner circles of police fraternities. Much of what goes on within police work simply could not be well understood by lay people.
Often, police deal with the dregs of society . . . they deal with child abusers, spouse abusers, murderers, rapists, pedophiles . . . they see death in various forms, natural as well as violent. All of this tends to put more stress on police than the average citizen.
Then, after all the hard and dirty work is done, the see judges put the bad guys back on the street with little more than a slap on the wrist.
They earn their pay and then some.
Incidentally, if you are local to North San Diego County and want an absolutely brilliant speaker, call my friend, Pastor Dick Huls. Or, call or email me, and I'll put you in touch with him. Whether Dick is talking about his profession as a beekeeper or as a police Chaplain, he holds his audience spellbound.
I guarantee, whatever Dick speaks on, you will come away enlightened and entertained.
Pastor Dick Huls, a retired pastor, also serves as one of six Chaplains for the Escondido Police Department (about 160 sworn officers, about 100 staff members).
In the course of his service as Chaplain he learned a number of things that are startling to those of us who are 'civilians' and not always aware of what happens within police departments nationwide.
There is, for example, about an 85% divorce rate within the ranks of law enforcement. The rate of suicide for police officers is about three times the national average. While he didn't quote a percentage, he did say that the number of incidents of spousal abuse were 'outrageous,' which suggests a very high percentage. Constant pressures, constant exposure to pain and suffering, often within their own ranks, contributes to these high figures.
After the meeting I discussed these figures with a close personal friend who is a CPA. "Well," he said, "those figures, while high, may be misleading. For example, you may have 10 officers, two of whom have been divorced three times; that's six divorces out of 10. Another two officers have one divorce each, there's your 80% . . . so it's not like 8 out of every 10 cops are getting divorced."
"Yes," sez me, "but those cops who get divorced three times also concern me. If they can't get along with at least one of three wives . . . what does that say about their ability to cope with society . . . particularly those within the society who are troubled?'
Even those of us who work with law enforcement and think we are reasonably well versed on that world find that we are really rather poorly informed. Part of this is because, of necessity, police departments form something of a 'closed society.' Even the best of personal friends are seldom invited in to the inner circles of police fraternities. Much of what goes on within police work simply could not be well understood by lay people.
Often, police deal with the dregs of society . . . they deal with child abusers, spouse abusers, murderers, rapists, pedophiles . . . they see death in various forms, natural as well as violent. All of this tends to put more stress on police than the average citizen.
Then, after all the hard and dirty work is done, the see judges put the bad guys back on the street with little more than a slap on the wrist.
They earn their pay and then some.
Incidentally, if you are local to North San Diego County and want an absolutely brilliant speaker, call my friend, Pastor Dick Huls. Or, call or email me, and I'll put you in touch with him. Whether Dick is talking about his profession as a beekeeper or as a police Chaplain, he holds his audience spellbound.
I guarantee, whatever Dick speaks on, you will come away enlightened and entertained.
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